Jesus died for our sins.
But then he came back to life.
Pretty sure that breaks the deal.
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The pricier the food, the faster kids drop it on the floor
Back in 2012 my wife & I were the victims of a horrific & terrifying home invasion that left us mentally scarred & unable to sleep. But our daughter’s 5 now & we’ve actually grown quite fond of her.
Keep in mind that parenting guides are written by people with enough free time & financial resources to write a parenting guide.
fire doesn’t get enough credit for being so welcoming. it’s always like “hey you wanna come be fire too?”
As a joke I suggested to my 10yo that he was getting diapers for Christmas so he wouldn’t have to stop gaming even for a moment, and Reader, he hesitated.
This afternoon a crew of men were installing Christmas lights on a house down the street. The next thing I hear is a boy yelling, “It’s not Decemberrrrrr!!”
That’s how I knew my son was home from school.
Doc: ‘So you’re not sleeping?’
Me: ‘Not really.’
Doc: ‘You drinking water?’
Me: ‘Few glasses a day’
Doc: ‘Alcohol?’
Me: ‘Plenty’
Doc: ‘Exercise?’
Me: ‘Not much’
Doc: ‘Coffee?’
Me: ‘Yes, please.’
One of my favorite things about sports is when they put the designated object in the designated area ahhhh what a rush
[me giving my friend who owes me $12 a tarot reading] oh wow. okay. the tower. in the tarot this is traditionally the symbol for you owing me $12
Ok, ok, here’s the plan. When Bezos goes into space we move the planet so he can’t find us anymore.
It never worked for my parents but we’re talking some much further distance here.
Fool me once, shame on you.
Fool me twice, shame on me.
Fool me 53 times a day, you’re an Instagram filter.
MTV is shutting down, which really doesn’t affect me much now, but my teenage self is completely devastated.
*My parents at my birth*
Mom: she’s beautiful
Dad: she’s perfect.
Precognitive doctor: One day she will have a “top three” monkey gifs.
Pregnancy test commercials would be a lot more relatable if the women in them cursed and cried.
I want to know what ideas were so bad that “horny cows” made it on the billboard
Damn he played himself
My 4yo is crying because she has outgrown her clothes during quarantine.
Same girl, same.
Twitter because there’s no other way to get to know so many Canadians at once
WIFE: I’m starting to think my husband has lied about his profession.
WIFES FRIEND: Why?
[I walk through the door and hang up my McDonald’s visor]
ME: Hey honey I’m back from the lawyer factory.
My 3yo plays a version of hide-and-seek where if you find her, she cries.
Me: *watches six consecutive hours of SVU*
Also me (brushing teeth for two minutes twice a day): Thith ith bullthit.
Delightful if true: booby trap.
You guys, how can true love still exist if we don’t have mixed tapes anymore?
*man on tv sweeps items off desk and passionately embraces woman*
Me: How romantic.
*husband passionately throws folded laundry off bed*
Me: WTF
I can’t wait til my kids become adults so I can go over their houses & throw clean laundry all over the floor.
You know, my dream for gaming is where in one game you’ll shoot someone and then during a game of say Fifa you’ll see their son crying
Why would you waste money on a service that carries Game of Thrones when you could just absorb the plot of each episode as hundreds of furious live-tweets. I have been consuming the show in this fashion for at least four seasons, as a whale consumes krill.
My mom has more confidence in the people of Oak Island finding the treasure than me finding another husband