@rickygervais

Jesus died for our sins.
But then he came back to life.
Pretty sure that breaks the deal.

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@slimmy_shady

Scientists claim that the Big Bang was the loudest noise that has ever occured in history. They obviously haven’t met my kids.

@pointsymmetric

One man. One tuba. A whole public library full of unsuspecting people. And no law enforcement anywhere in sight.

@ruinedpicnic

“I want you back in my arms…”

– me, drowsily, to the bag of blood hanging beside the donation bed

@DanielEdison_

“People keep accidentally asking me to purchase meat for them”

“By mistake?”

“Not you as well”.

@DarkerWillow

My husband thinks it’s really weird I only like green bananas and I think it’s really weird I have a husband.

@Quartzjixler

I hope the mysterious food thief at the office enjoys the dog food marinara and Jello with my toenail clippings I made for him/her.

@NewDadNotes

[watching Olympic Figure Skating]

Me: HOLY CRAP!!! THAT ROUTINE WAS INCREDIBLE!!!

T.V. Announcer Johnny Weir: it’s obvious to everyone how awful that routine was

Me: oh

@noog

Me: Goodnight Moon
Moon: Well hi there. I can’t hear you because I’m 240,000 miles away and sound doesn’t travel in space. Die in a fire.

@NotTodayEric

Alien: this planet sucks I don’t know how you do it

Me: *slowly opens pizza box*

Alien: dude