Scientists claim that the Big Bang was the loudest noise that has ever occured in history. They obviously haven’t met my kids.
Jesus died for our sins.
But then he came back to life.
Pretty sure that breaks the deal.
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One man. One tuba. A whole public library full of unsuspecting people. And no law enforcement anywhere in sight.
“I want you back in my arms…”
– me, drowsily, to the bag of blood hanging beside the donation bed
“People keep accidentally asking me to purchase meat for them”
“Not you as well”.
My husband thinks it’s really weird I only like green bananas and I think it’s really weird I have a husband.
I hope the mysterious food thief at the office enjoys the dog food marinara and Jello with my toenail clippings I made for him/her.
[watching Olympic Figure Skating]
Me: HOLY CRAP!!! THAT ROUTINE WAS INCREDIBLE!!!
T.V. Announcer Johnny Weir: it’s obvious to everyone how awful that routine was
I just shaved my legs. I think I lost three pounds.
Me: Goodnight Moon
Moon: Well hi there. I can’t hear you because I’m 240,000 miles away and sound doesn’t travel in space. Die in a fire.
Alien: this planet sucks I don’t know how you do it
Me: *slowly opens pizza box*