Jesus died for our sins.
But then he came back to life.
Pretty sure that breaks the deal.
You Might Also Like
He was a koi.
She was a squirrel.
Can I make it any less obvious?
I saw a sign that said save the earth it’s the only planet that has tacos and I thought that’s so dumb how do they know other planets don’t have tacos?
I held up a fist for a CW to bump and she kissed my ring. I am now drunk on power and no one is allowed to make eye contact.
[feeding the cat]
Me: Here’s your food, Buddy.
Cat: Buddy is the dog’s name.
Me: Gosh, you’re right. Sorry.
Cat: I’m really hurt.
Me:
Cat: JK, I never listen to a fricken thing you say anyway.
*cat lays on my leg*
*I remain perfectly still for hours, so she won’t leave*
*I move half an inch*
*cat buys bus-ticket for next town over*
Newton’s daughter had dem apple fallin genes, boots with the fur
Me: NOT TODAY SATAN
Satan: But-
Me: Jesus, what did I just say?!
Jesus: To be fair he did say not today
My 6yo fell over today because he was distracted by watching some construction work happening across the street and I didn’t even see how he fell because I was distracted by watching some construction work happening across the street
I learned a few things in Twitter Jail last night.
1. My wife’s name
2. How to make a shank from a phone charger
3. I need Twitter
[waxing salon]
ME: I need to make a waxing appointment.
ASSOCIATE: You want a Brazilian?
ME: No, I don’t need that many.
[sprays air freshener so my date can’t tell i just took a shit]
uber driver: what was that
I opened a door for a girl, but then the crowd flow never stopped so I’ve been holding this door open for 3 days.
Send help.
[alphabet committee]
Boss: what are the vowels
Designer: a e i o and u
Boss: sometimes i think we need another one
Designer: why
Boss: ok
Me: *eating ribs*
Morgue Attendant: *crying fearfully*
ROBIN: the batmobile won’t start
BATMAN: check the battery
ROBIN: what’s a tery
4-year-old: What happens if I microwave 5 Barbies?
Me: That’s an oddly specific question.
4: I already know what happens if I do it with 4
streaming companies forgetting their entire existence is based on being slightly more convenient than piracy
People obsessed with how much I bench need to #chill. It’s not like Coke publishes their recipe online for morrons to study.
The guy who invented “Take Your Child To Work Day” was probably too late to drop his kid off at school on the way to work.
Prof asked if anyone liked comic books. I raised my hand. She didnt add anything or say why it mattered. Just wanted to isolate me socially.
Ladies, when a creepy guy asks for your # and hands u his phone, text REDCROSS to 90999 so he’ll donate $10 to Disaster Relief.
Imagine a world without Queen. We’d have no idea who the champions are
The whitest shit about Greek mythology is that when they hear sirens they get closer
I’ve noticed that my parents talk about ‘the good old days’, they always seem to stop at 1979. Which is great, because that’s also the year I was born,wait… What?
I’m sexually attracted to the glass sections of a house.
French windows?
No but I’ve snogged patio doors.
[on the phone]
HER: are you chillin?
ME: oh im chillin. im chillin like a—[cop walks by & i start sweating]—like a law-abiding citizen
sigh
If my metabolism and serotonin were employees they would have been so fired by now
On a scale of 1 to ‘Maxi pad with wings’
How self-absorbed are you?