the girl from the ring starts crawling out of the tv, stops halfway, looks around my room, and crawls back into the tv
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We’re all getting idioter.
No, I was not playing with myself during the zoom meeting. I was petting my dog
I remember when people had the common decency to not look at you while you’re staring at them.
I hate when I find a show on TV that I like and I start to get into it and then I realize that it’s my neighbor’s window and he looks angry.
Reverse cowboy is when you scatter the herd and actively promote bandits and wolves to take what they will.
Niece: A have a lot of friends named Nathan, there’s Nathan…(endless droning about nicknames)
Me: When they are together, do you call them The United Nathans?
(Not sure what happened after that because I was laughing hysterically at what may be the best dad joke ever made.)
Everyone has that one vegetable that brings up memories of an ex
My (27F) boyfriend (28M) won’t stop saying he’s “microdosing pants” whenever he wears shorts
Treadmills:
The only thing worse than running, is running and going nowhere.
I got mom shamed for giving my kid a chicken nugget like there are way worse things I do to my kids I promise you they won’t be telling their therapist about the chicken nuggets
Manager: You’re terrible at taking criticism
*manager is hit by a chair*
Me: How so?
Welcome to your 40s. Your ability to be sneaky will now be hindered by your bones cracking when you walk.
My 5 yo lost her first tooth and wanted to bring her tooth fairy swag to school to flex on her friends. This included the white “fairy dust” (baking soda). So, I sent my kid into preschool with a little bag of white powder for show and tell. Follow me for more parenting tips.
My surgeon is always late, so the anesthesiologist better not be early.
My therapy group is a joke. The doctor is supposed to match you with people you have something in common with but everyone here is nuts.
Netflix: Are you still watching?
Me: [snoring]
Netflix: [takes last piece of birthday cake from fridge]
Pro tip: Do your makeup before you start drinking.
Start calling divorces “incidents”
Level up on that intrigue
I’m in a bad mood right now so I’m hoping to hear some good news about something bad happening to someone I hate.
What did watching Cinderella teach us?
7yo:
It taught us that if she had been wearing sensible shoes, she would still be scrubbing floors.
I hate feeling like I’m racing against someone in a grocery store aisle. Like aren’t we grownups here? Anyway, I won.
Under Bush we had 3 Shrek movies.
Under Obama we had 1.
Can we really trust a president whose #1 goal was to bring down the Shrek franchise?
Me: *curling my hair*
Olympic committee: That’s impressive, but not exactly what we are looking for.
If you could go back in time and show a medieval peasant one movie, what would it be?
I would pick Jim Carrey’s classic “The Mask” (1994)
Why on earth would anyone even buy a deathbed?
Science: Domesticated dogs are most closely related to gray wolves.
My dog:
10yo: You know that’s not what they mean by exercise, right?
Me: Pfft. [continues shaking Fitbit up and down]
Security: Animals aren’t allowed in this art gallery, sir.
Me: It’s my guide dog.
Dog: Picasso, born 25/10/1881, was a Spanish painter…