Has a coffee at 3:26 so I’m wide awake before the birds start their shit at 4:00.
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A wok that cooks so fast you call it a run.
These racing car drivers are making a lot of pit stops.
You’d think they would have went before the race.
Anyone got any tips on how to conduct an exorcism, but like subtly?
All hugs are good hugs except bear hugs. A bear hug is like a regular hug except you die at the end…
Just found out men don’t need prostate exams till at least 40. I think my doctor has a lot of explaining to do.
Obama: Hello Amer-
*feels a tug on his suit coat*
What Joe??
Biden: What color should the lion be?
Yellow.
Biden: I’m using green. *giggles*
I like to put a banana in a string of hahahahahahahahaha ‘s
No one notices, I dont know why I bother.
hahahabananahahaha
My favorite part of yesterday was when the cashier at Whole Foods couldn’t price an item & said “Here just take it I hate this fuckin place”
If this paper cut is any indication of my pain threshold, then child birth would definitely kill me.
Some girl I don’t even know has been telling people that I’m her boyfriend. I’m flattered but I prefer to be the psychotic one in the relationship.
Eight months since I had laser eye surgery. Still no lasers.
If you hear one of the high piano keys repeating slowly, you’re either watching a trailer for a horror movie, or you are a parent.
Him: Tire me out baby.
Me: *feeds him pasta*
Have to write a note to my kid’s first grade teacher, and now I’m stressed out about my handwriting
When you hear your kid shout “HERE, HOLD MY LOLLIPOP!” you know it’s about to go down.
Zoom Staff Meeting
Boss: Everyone staying fit?
Bob: I have a home gym!
Carol: I have Zoom Cross Fit sessions.
Me: I have a vigorous moisturizing routine.
They say as your kids get older they get more likeable but that can’t be true because my parents still don’t like me
The joke is on this spin class instructor.
My water bottle is full of Bacon Bits.
Manager: Your fired
Me: *You’re
Manager: How did you know I spelled it wrong if I spoke it out loud
Me: How did you know I corrected you
I saw my friend’s kids at Walmart and they told me they were lost and I was like “good luck guys” and walked away. I’d be a great mother.
i once had a doctor named doctor. dr. doctor. doc doc, for short. who i introduced to my ball-player friend, richard michael gossage. “doc doc, goose,” i said. folks,,
BREAKING: Apple reportedly prepping electric car.
Battery life is expected to be about an hour, with a 2 foot charging cable.
Of course I’m paying attention, I’m just following the floaters on my eyeballs. Keep talking.
*performs perfect sleeper hold and drags another mailman into the garage*
…they just keep sending more…
Apparently this isn’t a nude beach. This isn’t a beach at all. I’m at Target. Don’t do drugs kids.
if the aliens landed today I would be like 5% surprised
i talk a lot of shit for someone thats only 80% sure minions arent real
When the company finally leaves and you can let one rip..
that.
Guys who try to pick up women on Twitter are a bit sad…
Ladies, if you agree, DM me your number so we can talk about it…
*walks into Forever 21*
*gets pulled aside*
Umm, we don’t really mean FOREVER.