The thing about human relationships is that one person can be so overcome by a moment while the other person is thinking about KFC…
*Jesus drinking at a bar*
*jesus orders another drink*
“jesus you’re too drunk I can’t give you anymore”
Kan I jst haev a water?
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Me: I hate when corporate Twitter accounts pretend to be people
Amazon Prime: I was just saying this to my kids
Hell is having a married couple tell you a story at the same time.
When you were a kid, you said “But I’m not tired!” at some point, and you had no idea that it was the last time you’d ever utter that phrase.
Hey, girl. I noticed you checking out my Hello Kitty socks. Just so you know…the boxers match.
Reasons people get divorced:
-husband starts using the term boi
-lack of intimacy
Bees: why are all the humans disappearing
There’s 3 parents in my kids lives and each of us does our best to raise them as best as we can.
My husband is great with playing games with them.
I’m good at taking them outside to play.
And Stevie the TV babysits them the rest of the day.
Shrink: How would you rate your depression right now?
Me: 0 out of 5 stars. Would not recommend.
Me: Would you tell a friend or co-worker if they have bad breath?
Wife: Of course
M: Even tho it’ll upset them?
W: Yes, must be cruel to be kind
M: *handing over mouthwash* You’ll be needing this, then
W: I despise you