I’ve gotten to the point in my parenting career where I don’t just vacuum up Legos, I laugh while I do it.
You Might Also Like
I can almost always tell when a movie doesn’t use real dinosaurs!
can’t wait til they legalize outside
So…for no good reason a photoshop of a Bison and Sweetums, and probably something that will never be done again.
Don’t ask me for advice I still don’t understand what a 3D printer is.
Christmas decor isn’t meant to be sleek and minimalist it is supposed to look like joy threw up in your house.
Real life: Woman has a baby and leaves the hospital one to two days after giving birth
TV shows: Woman has a baby and leaves the hospital 30 seconds after giving birth
There’s two people you never, ever, ever talk to: cops and comics.
*throws roll of duck tape into a pond*
Go little guy, you’re free now.
Trump assures Abe that he supports Japan 100%!
“I mean, I saw Godzilla like, 7 times!” says Trump.
Restaurant chain commercials should run the disclaimer “Actual food might not tumble and splash in slow motion”.
Everybody makes fun of your big purse until you pull out a cheesecake
No one sleeps with Gandalf because it takes him until first light on the fifth day to come.
My dentist said I need to cut back on blows to the face
Bone Doctor: Make 3 changes to your diet. Up calories…protein…and foods high in calcium.
Me: *eyes light up* So cheese, cheese and cheese!
The amount of time I’ve spent searching for my chihuahua int the back yard while she is locked in the house is astronomical
So, apparently, avid cyclists don’t like it when you call them “pedalphiles.”
If you think you’re going to be in a dangerous situation, dress accordingly. Don’t wear flip-flops to a bank robbery, for example.
88% of the lies parents tell their kids are that the store was out of the snack that they forgot to buy.
Sometimes I think I’m pretty well-read and other times I see the word “doing” and pronounce it like it rhymes with “boing.”
I think if a trained monkey could drive a car, cook & give out money, my kids wouldn’t notice it wasn’t me. I need a monkey.
That 0.1% of bacteria that no household product can kill is what will inherit our earth
all my 5 year old is getting for Christmas is a couple free iPad games because i told him they cost a million dollars and he’s an idiot
[emergency room]
NURSE: It seems you’ve swallowed an abacus?
ME: She told me it’s what’s on the inside that counts
WIFE: I hate you
That Gollum game was never going to be great but damn if this isn’t the funniest “alpha footage vs final release” since maybe the first Watch Dogs
no refunds
I told a joke to my boss and he must have found it really funny because now I get to tell it to HR.
I have to stop watching TV with my kids. I keep comparing my dates to Bluey’s dad and nobody measures up.
[flicks cigarette out window]
submarine captain: you fool!
Being a bigger account doesn’t make you a better person. We’re all terrible people. We’re on twitter. I threw a baby at a fox this morning.
-Honey, what made you fall in love with me?
-Your mother.
-But my mother lives 5000 miles away.
-That’s why…