@crylenol

*Jesus emerges from tomb*
Wow was that 3 days? Holy cow. I was marathoning The Wire. You guys seen this?

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@kelkulus

My iPhone corrects “WHOA” to “WHOSE”, which just made my text response to “I JUST HAD A BABY!!!” a little awkward.

@bazlyons

‘Always the bridesmaid, never the bride’ is good advice for any best man.

@sarah1mc

I’m just a speedboat and a machine gun away from becoming a pirate.

@KelleysBreakRm

When I open the washing machine lid mid-cycle, I feel like I’ve entered a party where everybody suddenly stops dancing and stares at me.

@HenpeckedHal

Dropped my 2 year old off at daycare, put her shoes & blankie in her cubby and kissed her goodbye. I spotted her lunchbox back in my car so I took it inside. When she saw me she jumped up & grabbed her stuff to go home like she’d been there for 7 hours. My daughter is a goldfish.

@jwoodham

Boys will be boys. Girls will be girls. Koalas will be koalas. Just about everything will be the things they are. That’s how this works.

@Swishergirl24

Why are people upset about the Starbucks cup and not the fact that they are paying $7 for coffee?