The average person gains 4 pounds during the holidays. Once again, I’m above average.
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Commonly confused phrases:
In the same boat = We’re going through this together
On the same page = We understand each other
In the same trunk = We’re getting kidnapped OMG
Me: *runs up* if anyone asks, we’re friends. just be cool.
Dog: *wags tail*
Me: oh you’re good.
Every library has something in it to offend everyone, and in this library that thing is probably me.
I hope my family appreciates the irony when I choke to death on one of these enormous daily multi-vitamins.
[Jurassic Park]
kid: What do you call a blind dinosaur?
me: What?
kid: Do-you-think-he-saurus
me *pushes him out of the tree*
Guys waiting their turn for a haircut are a barbercue.
[first date]
Her: The menu is in French.
Me: Allow me to order for you.
Her: Sure.
Me: Mÿ dâtę wòûld líkê thé chėésëbûrgęr, plæsê.
Priest: I wonder what ignited the Notre-Dame cathedral fire?
Quasimodo: I have a hunch.
Priest: it’s always about you, isn’t it?
CAUTION : THE ROADS ARE SO DANGEROUS RIGHT NOW UNLESS YOU WANNA GO GET ME SOME BAGELS, THEN THEY ARE FINE
[wedding]
“Anyone know why these two should not be joined in marriage?”
ME: *from back* THEY’RE DOING A CASH BAR
*priest drops bible*
[Updates Christian Mingle bio]
“Just like Moses, I pay attention to the bush first”“You have 999 new matches”
Live your life so that a group of nuns sings a whole song about trying to solve a problem like you
I found a Squirtle in my pants & I’m not even playing Pokémon Go!
How to make infinite energy.
How am I supposed to be professional when something at work is called a dongle?
I handed her the flowers. “You shouldn’t of!” she said. I took them back. “Have,” I whispered
Me at dinner on a first date: I’m not answering any more questions without a lawyer.
i ain’t victim blaming, but why tf would you tell a wolf where your grandmother lives
Catering service
a relationship should be 50/50. 50% donkey 50% dragon
Sometimes you just need to dance naked in the kitchen. The manager at this Burger King seems to feel differently though.
*text alert*
me: i hope that’s my crush
pharmacy: thanks for picking up your antipsychotics today
[Job interview]
“What are your strengths?”
Me: I fall in love easily.
“Erm, okay… what are your weaknesses?”
Me: Those blue eyes of yours.
When you have kids, finding a marker lid in your house is like finding a pin without the grenade attached.
Thinking about going to 50 Shades and eating loudly the whole time.
My sister thinks macadamia nuts is an STD.
Baby formula = dad x mom 🤨
*solves baby formula supply chain issues*
[Wife rubbing her temples after I told her how my job interview went] What…what do you mean, you “tried some breakdancing”?
If you see a man running down the street tonight, blowing a whistle & wearing a life guard shirt…don’t worry, I’m just chasing my dream.
[walks in to UPS store holding rabid raccoon]
Hi my boyfriend said he wants to take a break so I’d like to ship him this please.