Just saw a horse drawn cart. Wasn’t a very good cart. Horses are terrible artists.
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I wanted to look sharp!
Wore my smarty pants & thinking cap.
Then, I lost my shirt & knocked my socks off…
Now, I look like an idiom.
“Let’s run the bell commercial we’ve been playing for the past 17 years and take the month of December off” – The Hershey Kisses Marketing Team
He died doing what he loved, waving a metal rod on a rooftop in a storm, yelling FU, GOD! Although he slipped & fell, Ted’s memory lives on.
If we’re ever drunk together and I say “trust me, this will be fun”, run faster than me or have bail money ready.
Got banned from being a chef in every restaurant in town because every time someone sent back a pavlova I would call it a boomeringue
friend: man, I honestly don’t believe she’d cheat on me
me: look, Gary, you can’t keep burying your head in the sand about this
ostrich at next table: OMG Devon, he did NOT just say what I think he said
*i put two straws in my drink*
gf: awhh 🙂
me: hell ya double barrel
*i use both straws*
To gangs that carve their names into public toilet seats:
A) Why?
B) Haha, you touched a public toilet seat.
Someone please tell me this is for something other than a baby conference/infant symposium
evanescence – noun: the process of vanishing or fading out of sight, memory, or existence.
So that’s what happened. Great band name, guys.
“I do so like green eggs and ham. Thank you! Thank you, Salmonella-I-am.”
– The breakfast that inspired Dr Seuss
Hooking up with your ex is a great way to reassure yourself that dying alone wouldn’t be the worst thing in the world.
Science Lesson: A baking dish that’s been in a 400 degree oven, is also 400 degrees and you shouldn’t touch it.
*being murdered*
Me: “Ahh my student loans will finally be paid off😍”
Gov: 🤔stabbing ceases
I got a car wash 5 days ago and it hasn’t rained yet. Who broke the weather?
*dances with wolves
*wolf asks to be my man
*I become bae o’ wolf
Computer keyboards should have a removable crumb tray, like toaster ovens.
[spelling bee]
Your word is “pneumonia”.
“Can you use it in a sentence?”
Of course, you can use any word in a sentence. No more hints.
I never pray harder than when I’m trying on a new pair of skinny jeans.
[roommate watching me after my gf leaves] just tell her. she probably loves hair
[me taking off bald cap] im in too deep now
Can anyone recommend some good beginner crimes to try out if I’m just getting interested in crime
[opening can of Russian Pringles]
once u pop u [inside can is a slightly smaller can]
huh [inside that can is an even smaller can]
wtf [in..
lookin for a quick and easy way to beef up that scrawny bod and really turn some heads at the beach? float dead in a lake
Well tonight’s date night for me and the wife
I certainly hope we don’t run into each other
I’m sick and I’m going to work today; so if there’s some kind of Contagion-level outbreak, I’m your patient-zero.
my grandpa lived on the ninth floor of his building and he’d still tell you to get off his lawn
‘why do people post shit online that never happened just for likes and attention’ my cat asked me
Norwegian chickens be like Bgårk
I use a wheelchair. When someone says to me, “I have a friend in a wheelchair,” I always want to say, “I have a lot of friends who walk.”
My Cat Made Me Think She Didn’t Have Dinner Yet. I Never Thought I Could Fall For A Scam. My latest in The Cut.