[Jesus Feeding of the 4,999)
ME: *gets back in line wearing fake mustache*
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Had I been Jesus, being invited to “The Last Supper” would’ve raised a few red flags.
Took my kids for a hike, and my 6yo made a big fuss to get us to stop talking and said, “I want it to be quiet so the bears will come out” 😳
I’ll be so happy when 2020 is over in a few years
Looking for a plus one for my wedding.
“I’m a little upset.” — Canadian protest sign
I just kept my pants buckled for 30 minutes straight so I think I know a little bit about endurance training, Sheila
This hospital has everything
[before tattoos were invented]
ME: I can’t believe I have to draw a skull on my arm every day
Whacked myself on the butt with a fly swatter just to feel something
*at dinner table*
Me: ‘Remember that time I lied to you about liking your potato salad?’
Her:
Me: ‘Anyway, I’m sorry.’
About once a month I think about this NYT correction and I literally laugh out loud for 15 seconds
Men don’t use the Internet. Don’t believe me women? Go check your man’s search history. Guarantee it’s empty.
I’m haunted by my grandmother saying “apple pie without cheese is like a kiss without copping a feel”
i took my metal detector to the beach and found a huge slayer concert
how to screw with your cat’s head 101
This new thesaurus isn’t just terrible, it’s also terrible.
On your deathbed tell everyone “pray for me” then make sure to leave a note to be opened after you die that says “pray harder next time”
Shit: bowel movement
Sh t: vowel movement
i
Sometimes I’ll go to a grocery store and rotate all of the Tide detergents 90 degrees and yell “THE TIDES HAVE TURNED!” until I’m kicked out
For all the bad things that happened this year I sure did get fat.
Bscape Enyone Aan Can Have
No matter how good your raspberry body wash smells, don’t be tempted to drizzle it over your ice cream. I’ve been burping bubbles for days.
Are there a lot of first-person singular objective pronouns, or is it just me?
i don’t get why IDs expire as proof of identification. ima always be me, right? right???? what does the govt know that i don’t
I wish I had enough talent as a dancer to disappoint my family by becoming a dancer
Reporter: Can you stop poking my chest?
Me: But your badge says ‘press’
My sister bought glitter for the children, so now I’m trying to add her name to a terrorist watchlist.
It’s cute how my family thinks I’m playing with fire and I’m just trying to cook them breakfast
You’re an open book?
“Throws you into a bonfire.”
Even the stick figure woman on my wife’s back window has a headache.