[Jesus Feeding of the 4,999)
ME: *gets back in line wearing fake mustache*
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Who was the first taxidermist? Who was the first person to say “You know what? I’m into science AND interior decorating.”
*after sex
No, you cannot sleep over.
Husband:
Calm down white moms on dish detergent commercials, no wife is EVER that excited about dishes. Ever.
Men, I’m going to let you in on a secret.
When us ladies go to the restroom, the very first thing we do is look deeply into the mirror and try to summon Bloody Mary. I don’t make the rules, it’s a fact. Second fact, ghosts are scary. So yeah, we go to the restroom in groups.
911: ‘911 what’s your emergency?’
Me *mumbles ‘I just got to the nursery and they replaced all the kids with PLANTS!’
911: *click
I once followed a puppy home on the off chance that I’d forgotten where I actually live and that he was, somehow, my dog.
But, yeah, let me raise two kids.
Me: Can’t you just hot-wire it?
Apple technician: No ma’am, your phone actually needs the passcode.
Saying goodbye to an old friend today. Thoughts and prayers appreciated. Goodbye, bra that stabbed me this week.
Marsupials have pouches and the good manners to keep children out of sight.
My favorite yoga pose is downward facing in a bowl of mashed potatoes
Crush calls.
Me: *Googles: how to lose 50lbs overnight*
Love is in the air fryer.
I asked my 3-year-old what kind of cake she wanted for her birthday and she said “two cakes” which is the correct answer.
My one egret is eating at the aviary. My food had a heron it.
Name fifty reasons you think I’m too demanding.
When a woman says she’ll be ready in 5 minutes, I know I have just enough time to fly to space & finish building my Death Star before we go.
With my pasty white skin, ample curves, & hatred of manual labor, I would have dominated the 16th century.
There’s no “u” in employee. You’re fired.
*Michael Cera stubs his toe on a cotton ball*
me: [climbing a tree]
bonsai artist: please stop
My wife’s fish net stockings are so tight that my legs look like wafer cookies when I take them off.
My 6yo is excited at the possibility of being a ghost, but wants to know if her toys will remain real toys or become ghost toys
You do the load of laundry that you have, not the load of laundry that you want.
this one time, I was able to rob a bank armed with nothing but a notebook filled with poetry I wrote in the 8th grade
I won’t tell anyone if I win the lottery, but if I did, you’d see someone else cutting all this damn grass.
This one time, I got kicked out of the audience of “Cats” on Broadway for bringing a laser pointer.
Moving is a lot more fun when you make the Movers carry you on top of the mattress like an Egyptian pharaoh
I’m not saying I drink a lot of wine but I am saying my dentist sent me flowers for switching from red wine to white.
I lie in the bath for hours.
But I try to tell the truth the rest of the time.
1938:
“It’s a bird!”
“It’s a plane!”
“It’s… Superman!”2013:
“Is that a drone?”
“Yeah, it’s probably a drone.”