@Jay_FrickinLynn

Jesus: Give them fingernails in case they start itching.

God: Alright, but wouldn’t it be funny if they couldn’t reach their backs?

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@TheRolo

[Chased by cops on foot]
*Turns corner and lays DVD of The Notebook on floor*

*Cops get lost in Ryan Gosling’s eyes*

*Makes clean getaway*

@Amusitr0n

No toilet paper. My training kicks in. I barrel roll under the stall & onto the lap of the person in the next stall. I did not plan for this

@cray_at_home_ma

Welcome to my home! No you’re mistaken, it isn’t a mess, it’s just gallery-style so you can see everything we own at once. Watch your step.

@illTortuga

I asked my Ouija board when I was going to get a girlfriend and it spelled out HAHAHAHAHA until it caught fire.

@junejuly12

Shout out to the person who had the balls to open the first no kids allowed restaurant

@prufrockluvsong

[cashier slapping the Cool Ranch chips out of my hand]: Oh no you don’t, nerd

@MarfSalvador

[Prison visit]

Me: I finally have a date for my execution

GF: WHO IS SHE