Always a bridesmaid, never a bride. Because, I’m smarter than my friends.
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THIS IS NOT A DRILL! I repeat, THIS IS NOT A DRILL!
– My dentist, to his trainee hygienist, who keeps passing him the wrong implements.
When people ask how my childhood was, I say “Pretty good, so far.”
Put my too-weak notice in at the gym.
When I ask if I can pet somebody’s dog and they say no, I obviously respect their wishes but I always feel awkward after. Like what do I with my hands now that there’s no dog. Oh no we’re walking in the same direction too
Obama: The Galaxy Note 7 wasn’t recalled because it was too secure.
Biden: Just let him enjoy my gift, Barack.
Tree: Bark
Dog: {leaves}
How to be a politician 101:
Answer all yes/no questions with the words “Well, look” and then answer a completely different question.
In India, when they say there’s an elephant in the room, there’s an elephant in the room.
[inventor of frisbee]
“I hate this plate”
Realtor: This house has a great location
Me: But what’s the square doggage?
Realtor: What
Me: *rubbing my temples* How many dogs can it fit?
Mocking commerce students is all fun and games until you realise you have no financial knowledge and you make arguments like “uBeR hAS a nEt WoRtH oF 100B$”.
I am determined to save money. I don’t care what it takes: making coffee at home, lowering the thermostat, purchasing $200 of stuff I don’t need to qualify for free shipping. Whatever it takes.
Some of you are boycotting sex the same way are you are boycotting owning a Maserati.
Every other type of doctor’s office practically has their own app, meanwhile MRI centers are like “It’s 1998 in here, enjoy your CD”
In elementary I got all the chicks because my box of crayons had a built-in sharpener. Been on a dry spell ever since. Just me & my crayons.
In England, all swans legally belong to the queen.
Geez, I always pictured her as a cat lady.
All the baby books tell you that infants need to eat every 2 to 3 hours, but what they fail to mention is that this behavior continues until the child turns 18 and moves out of your house.
Be the reason why the lights flicker & the temperature drops when you enter a room.
Grant me the serenity to supernaturally change the things I cannot accept.
Dear Kelloggs,
Cereal that makes them go back to sleep.
Sincerely,
Tired parents
At a skatepark, older dude outside the fence sees me and yells (heckles) “do a kickflip!”
So I did one.
He then turns to his friend and says: “holy sh!t, he actually did it”
Dam, girl. What did you think I was building?
– Beaver
My charger only works if my phone is on a 45 degree angle, resting on a tiny pillow with Pat Benatar playing quietly in the background.
One of my dogs was puking, i got up to deal with it and the other dog stole part of my dinner. This was not random. This was a planned event.
Don’t judge me because it said “family size” and I ate the whole thing.
It might have been meant for a really small family.
I’m not lazy. I wear yoga pants because the urge to work out might hit me. You don’t know.
my garbage family is staging an intervention or something for me because i forgot what its called when people have a chin made out of hair
[first day after lying on my job application]
me: can we pull over at a mcdonalds or something
co-pilot: what
Invention of the hug:
“You look sad. Let me choke your whole body”
i’m a Leo which means i won’t win an Oscar for several more years