@jonnysun

*jesus givs u bread*
this is my body
*jesus givs u wine*
this is my blood
*jesus puts ur hand in soggy noodles*
and these r my BRAAAINS ooOO

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@pizza_dragon

Hi kids I’m Keanu Reeves here to tell you that speed is never cool unless you’re a professional SWAT member on a bus that’s about to blow up

@galiamango

I’m pretty terrified of the possibility that you guys might crawl out of my phone like that girl in The Ring.

@Brianhopecomedy

Grandmother: “So what is Skype?”

*Explains in great detail on how it works*

“So do I need a computer for it?”

“I JUST…how’s your cat?”

@WhatsAGreenhorn

Comedian: Thanks everyone you’ve been great. Remember, under no circumstances should you tip your waitress.
Cow waitress: [mouths] thank you

@Coolisiana

GUY WHO INVENTED CELEBRATING BIRTHDAYS: *is born* Ok wow like what an accomplishment
MOTHER: For me?
GUY: N- HELL no. For me. Please shut up

@dadmann_walking

Please end your conference calls on time. You have no idea who is suffering and needs to go to the bathroom. your question can wait brenda

@Darlainky

Yes, dust for fingerprints is exactly what I meant when I asked you to dust the living room, Sherlock Holmes.

@Spaced_Cowboy00

When I saw her eating a whole chicken like it was corn on the cob, I knew she was the one for me.

@INDlAN_

Parents: Your room is a mess.

Me: You really need to see my life.

@Real_Countress

Let me be clear, I chase no one!!!

*5 min later. Chasing the ice cream truck down the street