Hi kids I’m Keanu Reeves here to tell you that speed is never cool unless you’re a professional SWAT member on a bus that’s about to blow up
*jesus givs u bread*
this is my body
*jesus givs u wine*
this is my blood
*jesus puts ur hand in soggy noodles*
and these r my BRAAAINS ooOO
You Might Also Like
I’m pretty terrified of the possibility that you guys might crawl out of my phone like that girl in The Ring.
Grandmother: “So what is Skype?”
*Explains in great detail on how it works*
“So do I need a computer for it?”
“I JUST…how’s your cat?”
Comedian: Thanks everyone you’ve been great. Remember, under no circumstances should you tip your waitress.
Cow waitress: [mouths] thank you
GUY WHO INVENTED CELEBRATING BIRTHDAYS: *is born* Ok wow like what an accomplishment
MOTHER: For me?
GUY: N- HELL no. For me. Please shut up
Please end your conference calls on time. You have no idea who is suffering and needs to go to the bathroom. your question can wait brenda
Yes, dust for fingerprints is exactly what I meant when I asked you to dust the living room, Sherlock Holmes.
When I saw her eating a whole chicken like it was corn on the cob, I knew she was the one for me.
Parents: Your room is a mess.
Me: You really need to see my life.
Let me be clear, I chase no one!!!
*5 min later. Chasing the ice cream truck down the street