Jesus: Go forth. You are now fishers of men.
Peter: *harpoons a guy*
Jesus: Too literal, bro.
You Might Also Like
My 2 year old asked me for potato and kept getting mad at me when I gave her potatoes to eat.
It took a good 20 minute meltdown before I figured out that she calls play-doh potato.
Learning a new language has been hard for both of us.
“I JUST WANT TO PUT A BABY IN YOU!”
-me, trying to put a crib together
Fight fire with water. Idiots.
“Okay Nancy, try it now.”
My favorite word in the English language is “Amen” because when I hear it I know you’re finally done asking Me for stupid shit.
Children are the best fundraisers because they don’t understand economics:
Principal: The student who raises $500 dollars for the school will get this free hat
12 year old me: That is such a great deal
Sent my ex a card that said, “Get better soon.”
He’s not ill, just really crap in bed.
date: “i like dangerous guys, are you dangerous?”
[thinking about the amount of plugs i have in one outlet behind the tv]
me: “yes i am”
The Accountant.
h/t: @KrangTNelson @Boogieknight
the 4-year-old’s “favorite stick” broke and she wants me to glue it back together. Will she succeed in getting me to fix a god damned stick from nature
My son couldn’t remember his head injury from the other day. That’s either a very good sign or a very bad sign.
If bowser kidnapped my wife, I would not be saying “wahoo” no matter how fun the jump was
Me: So I punch them in the chest but then I’m supposed to feel bad about it and kiss them? Worst self defense class ever.
Instructor: ok yeah, so this is actually a CPR class.
Blind guy: I love this half-sandwich restaurant.
Me: What do you mean? This place only serves whole-
Service dog: *puts a paw on my lips*
Brie is my favorite cheese that sounds like a white girl you meet for a mani/pedi while drinking Chardonnay & quoting “Mean Girls.”
If the police don’t escort you out of Applebees then is it really a good date?
Sensei: you have learned much, my child
Nonsensei: flamingos are extremely inconsiderate
The celebrity couple name for Donald Trump and Hillary Clinton is Clump.
So much focus on the gold silver and bronze! What about the fourth place finisher? Sorry about that 1/200th of a second. Here’s a cheese sandwich.
[Driving]
*Sees a McDonald’s*
*Thinks coffee*
*Also thinks Sausage Egg McMuffin Meal so that coffee doesn’t get lonely in my tummy*
Do you ever think Mario gets home after a long day and his wife is dressed in lingerie and all ‘hey handsome’ and he’s like ‘I had such a long day, if i have to jump down into one more tunnel I will lose it”
if bowser kidnapped my wife, i wouldn’t ask for a background music, no matter how much fun i’d be having chasing turtles.
Me: *enters Manager’s office wearing a pheasant face mask*
Manager: *sighs* “You know full well what I meant when I said that you needed your game face on for the meeting today”
I just won $50 on a scratch off! Guess y’all know who’s splurging on the whole cashews next grocery trip.
“Let me slip into something more comfortable”, I say with a wink then come back in twice as much clothing as before
Note to self: Take Mila Kunis picture off of vacuum before taking it in for service next time.
My dog thinks her entire family was murdered by a hula hoop, there’s just no other explanation.
Me: I can’t believe we have $900 for Christmas gifts this year!
Fridge: I don’t feel well. I think I have a fever.
I asked my husband to babyproof the cabinets in the kitchen and he did, but now I’m mad that I can’t get into the cabinets in the kitchen.
My Kid: (seeing Wife with a plate of fries) Mommy, can I have some of your fries?
Wife: No. (Points at me who is also having fries) Go ask Daddy
My Kid: Daddy, can I have some of Mommy’s fries
My Brain: Don’t high five your kid right now. Don’t high five your kid right now…