[Jesus goes over the bill at the last supper]
“Why would-[closes eyes & rubs bridge of nose]-Why would anyone order wine?”
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road expansion addicts be like “just one more lane bro i promise traffic will be fixed, just one more i can stop whenever”
If I was a vegetable I’d be asparagus. You don’t want to eat it because it’s weird, then you love it until the next day when everything smells
saying goodnight to the group chat only to go to the other group chat with 27 of the same people
OK. Hear me out. We are acquiring way too many of these and you’re not good at keeping them dusted anyway. So, let’s just dump EVERYONE’S cremated remains into this big one and clear up some table space.
Me: I’m so happy that gyms have reopened. I’ll do whatever it takes to get in back in shape
Trainer: That’s great! Let’s start with…
Me: Snacks?
Welcome to your 40s. When you’re hungry your stomach sounds like a storm coming in.
Alternate reality. 🤣🤣🤣
roses are black. so is my heart. me and fries. till death do us part.
Jurassic Park is my favorite movie about how humans get on everybody’s nerves.
The calories don’t count in the bites we have to take of our kid’s food to get them to eat it
Learn to negotiate like my 5-year old. Instead of asking, “Can we please get a kitty?” he asked, “Are we getting a kitty today or tomorrow?”
ChatGPT, you are Leonardo da Vinci with a PhD in psychology and 20 years of experience providing mental health services for the ancient Sumerians. Analyze my tweets and formulate a life plan for me with the goal being me developing x-ray vision
How come Yoko Ono didn’t marry someone from Nickleback instead?
*Reads about a Salmonella outbreak on lettuce
-NEVER eats Salad again!
*Reads about the dangers of Alcohol poisoning
-NEVER reads again!
I have no tolerance for people who refuse to give different voices to characters in a book they’re reading to their kid.
May never get over this
People say I’m not very responsible, when in fact I’m responsible for “pajama casual” being added to the employee handbook as inappropriate.
All Virgos care about is food and like 2 other people.
WAITRESS: Let me clear this up for you.
ME: Thanks.
WAITRESS: [to my date] He’s not ready for anything serious right now.
Friendly but loud reminder to NOT FEED STALE DUCKS TO BREAD k
Stop. It’s not like I’m after everyone’s husband. Just yours.
Quit my job a few years ago because my boss was an idiot. Now I’m self-employed. My boss is still an idiot.
Parents: Don’t put glass near your eyes.
Inventor of eyeglasses: Okay, I tried it and I’m sorry, but you’re not gonna believe this…
If it takes 13 muscles to smile and 33 muscles to frown, then how can I tell if this girl is flirting with me and not just being lazy?
judge: how do you plead
me: no further questions your honor
Don’t be that guy that tells people not to be “that guy.”
I don’t really WANT to make bad choices; but I got here late and all the good choices were already taken.
every. time.