@WheelTod

Jesus’ Greatest Miracles:
3) Turning water to wine
2) Raising Lazarus
1) Maintaining a milky-white complexion in a desert climate for 33 yrs

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@ExperBadMom

Me: Boom! Drops the mic!
12yo: Nobody says that anymore Mom.
Me: Oh? What do they say?
12yo: I’m not telling you.

@flashember

“Alex is visiting later tonight.”

Alex from work or Alex the astronaut with amazing hearing?

[From the moon] It’s not me, Thelma. Hi Bob.

@kentgrossarth

Vegetarian: ‘You know, a cow died so you could have that burger’. Me: ‘Maybe he died because you keep eating all of his food’.

@drankturpentine

guy creating teenage mutant ninja turtles: so theyre teens, theyre turtles, whats something only the coolest teens do?

co-worker with a ponytail: karate

@joejwest

HANG GLIDER COP: I see a crime happening directly below me
[glides on]
Not much I can do

@GoldenSpirals

Why do they call it a “shit-eating grin”? I don’t think I’d be smiling if I was eating shit.

@bea_ker

“It’s definitely better without a condom” I say, removing it from my soup

@MacMallyMMA

The scientifically proven most effective way of cooling off your fighter in between rounds. #PFLPlayoffs

@MartaEffing

Her: I love your lip gloss. What brand is it?
Me: *looks puzzled*licks lips* It’s donut glaze.