A good way to tell if an artistic idea is any good is to remember the most successful video game idea of all time is “a plumber steps on turtles” so who knows
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James Bond: Do you expect me to talk?
Therapist: That is how these things usually work.
If McDonalds wants to check my $10 bill for signs of counterfeit, I should be able to check their chicken for chicken.
me: congrats, when is the baby due
pregnant librarian: oh it’s mine i get to keep it
Watch closely as the husband quietly approaches the calm children, riles them up into a frenzy, then slyly escapes to watch football.
Once it’s in the oven I don’t really care why the chicken crossed the road.
Female lamb: I feel so much pressure to conform more.
Therapist: Hey, ewe do ewe.
Lamb: THAT’S your advice?
Therapist: I woold take it if I were ewe.
Lamb: SERIOUSLY?!
Therapist: (grins sheepishly)
Lamb:
Therapist:
Lamb:
Therapist: Why are ewe maaaaaaad at me?
*notices keys/wallet/pills in a weird place*
Other people: I should put that back where it belongs
Me: I’ll definitely remember that it’s there next time I look for it
The opposite of having in-laws over is having outlaws over which is also a lot like having in-laws over.
Do you realize that if real women had the same proportions as Barbie they’d be only 11.5 inches tall?
Life Hack: Let your toddler throw Cheez-Its down your heat vents so your house can smell like the home of your dreams
Wife: OMG, stop saying that. You’re embarrassing me. You’re a waiter at a BBQ restaurant.
Me: I’ll thank you to refer to me as a porking attendant.
House is clean. Time to sell the children and move.
Lawyer: I’d like to introduce my star witness
Astronomer: Hello
life coach: be the best version of yourself
me: I am
life coach: hahaha wait are you serious
[strangers in goat masks dance around a bonfire as I’m being tied to a wooden stake] It’s getting pretty late guys, I should probably head out
I apologize for pinching your lips closed when you started telling me about your kids
*fooling around with husband*
Husband: Is that a piece of cheese in your bra?
Me: If you wanted any, you should have brought your own snacks!
Young God: ok, a little hydrogen and-
*chemistry set explodes*Mom: what was that?!
God: nothing! *scoops resulting universe into shoebox*
“Scalpel.”
“Hey… You’re not a surgeon!”
“If Affleck can be Batman…”
“Fair enough. Scalpel.”
I just saw a woman push 5 little kids in a shopping cart out of Walmart. I didn’t realize that you could get them in bulk now.
“Are… are you sure you know what an elephant looks like?“
“Of course, why do you ask?“
Someone needs to speak to the graphic designer who came up with this.
Girl, if you’re into rocks, I promise you’ll be
Me: *Getting dressed*
Husband: *throws pants on floor beside hamper* “Where are you going?”
Me: “Jail.”
Stuffs more popcorn in my face*
Why don’t bad guys in movies just paint the red wire green?
Assert your dominance by putting a few decorative pillows in your husband’s truck.
I bought a pair of Undies yesterday.
On the front it says, “I Will do Anything For Love”
..and on the back it says, “But I Won’t do That.”
The mystery is not do spiders poop.
The mystery is where do spiders poop.
Make sure to make eye contact with the hottest person in the room as you stuff a burrito into your mouth
eating all the chips in my house so that I won’t be tempted to eat all the chips