Jesus: He who is without sin may cast the first stone
*guy with no legs throws rock*
Jesus: Seriously?
“You said ‘without shins,’ right?”
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This guy at the bar just said nobody gets off earth alive. And he and his buddies sat there for a second before the chick in the middle says “what about astronauts” and I love her
me: will i go to jail in the future
psychic: no
me: gimme your wallet and empty the register
squirrel mom: Remember what I told you
squirrel son: “Always look both ways before I finish crossing the street”
do you guys realize there’s a planet in our solar system entirely inhabited by robots
Leaving the beach yesterday I said to myself ‘don’t leave your phone on the roof of the car, woman’.
Long story short, someone found my phone on the side of the road and just returned it to me
Woke up this morning and the alarm clock was laughing at me….then I realized it was upside down and the time was 7:07
IKEA employees are just the souls of previous shoppers that couldn’t find the exit
ME: Say “Anagrams are stupid” one more time & I will rearrange your face.
YOU: Anagrams are stupid.
ME: You farce.
“Dad this is serious I’m in jail”
Hi serious this is dad
“Dad! Be serious! Wait NO!”
HI SERIOUS THIS IS SERIOUS!
mortgage broker: You’ll need proof of stable income.
me: no problem
broker: Where are you currently employed?
me: Spirit Halloween
Is there any way to tell a woman she has nice skin without her thinking you want to turn her into a jacket, especially one who really would make a nice jacket?
Sorry I’m late, I’ve been taking an elastic band out of my hair for the last three days.
“Every action has an equal and opposite reaction.”
– Isaac Newton, observing me on a date
The worst part about having PMS in the winter is the ground is too frozen to bury the bodies.
no their not
WD-40 doesn’t stop my joints from creaking, in case anyone else was considering this.
When I’m mad at my kids I like to sing the wrong lyrics to the music as I rage clean just to piss them off. That way we can all be mad at each other.
I’m not saying my life lacks excitement, but I did linger in the room my 6yo was playing in just to watch Barbie breakup with a horse.
Boss, I can’t come in today. Got a bad case of-
*puts hand over phone*
-what was it again?
Daughter: Boogeritis.
*to phone*
It’s Boogeritis.
Back in my day a “selfie,” was something you did with the door locked and a bottle of lotion.
[first date]
Her: I love your scent, what is it?
Me: desperation.
“I don’t watch tv” ok but then what do you do with it
Meanwhile in Portland…
“No! YOU’RE plastered!!!”
-me, drunk, walking into a wall
Wife: who are all these children?
Me: *shrugs* you said pick up the kids
Wife: I meant our kids
Me: yeah, that makes more sense
People that say “we’re not even white, we’re pink” obviously haven’t seen the parts of me that have never been in sunlight.
[praying mantis first date]
Female: You seem to have a good head on your shoulders.
Male: Yeah well, you know, saving it for marriage.
Yes, people avoid me, but I’m sure it’s because they’re jealous of my wonderful snakes
Here’s a little song I wrote about being old in the summer it’s called “Sunburn on My Bald Spot” and a one and a two
[before quarantine]
me: “gross! this cereal has gone stale”
[5 weeks in quarantine]
me: “you found cereal?! ill get the raccoon milk!”