Jesus: He who is without sin may cast the first stone
*guy with no legs throws rock*
Jesus: Seriously?
“You said ‘without shins,’ right?”

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My wife made me pack my own bag for vacation and now I have to figure out how to wear potato chips.


How do I stay in shape? I stole an ostrich, it chases me around the house all day, i hate it


He said I was sent from above, but I wasn’t sure if he meant angelic, or shit out of a bird.


Mom is coming to town. I get three full days of mouthing apologies to waiters.


“No, no, I’m fine. This is how I live now.”

-Me laying face down on the floor


Men’s jeans: We have 1000 sizes. What is your waist? What is your height? Where are your hips?

Women’s jeans: We have two sizes, Chickpea and Sycamore


Once I read this story abt a meth addict, she’d vacuum her whole house daily, even the walls, and that alone was enough to keep me off meth.


[clenching fists] “I’ll fight someone”
Waiter: For the last time sir, ‘cheese plate’ describes the items on the plate not the plate itself