@KalvinMacleod My wife made me pack my own bag for vacation and now I have to figure out how to wear potato chips.
@huntigula Jesus: He who is without sin may cast the first stone
*guy with no legs throws rock*
Jesus: Seriously?
“You said ‘without shins,’ right?”
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@KalvinMacleod 
@weinerdog4life How do I stay in shape? I stole an ostrich, it chases me around the house all day, i hate it
@LostFelicia He said I was sent from above, but I wasn’t sure if he meant angelic, or shit out of a bird.
@bazecraze Mom is coming to town. I get three full days of mouthing apologies to waiters.
@sliver_of “No, no, I’m fine. This is how I live now.”
-Me laying face down on the floor
@ronnui_ Men’s jeans: We have 1000 sizes. What is your waist? What is your height? Where are your hips?
Women’s jeans: We have two sizes, Chickpea and Sycamore
@birbigs I just did yoga. No wait, yogurt.
@LoveNLunchmeat Once I read this story abt a meth addict, she’d vacuum her whole house daily, even the walls, and that alone was enough to keep me off meth.
@Amusitr0n [clenching fists] “I’ll fight someone”
Waiter: For the last time sir, ‘cheese plate’ describes the items on the plate not the plate itself
@SeiYoung83 I may be small, but so is a grenade.