Jesus: He who is without sin may cast the first stone
*guy with no legs throws rock*
Jesus: Seriously?
“You said ‘without shins,’ right?”
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[at the gun store]
Me: I’ll take that gun & a box of ammo
Clerk: that’ll be $250
Me [with a gun & a box of ammo]: no
Morgan Freeman is in so many movies, I bet he just wanders onto film sets and says,”I’m in this now.”
Been dating this girl for 7 months and today she asked me, why I don’t have a girlfriend
Take me with you! I shout to every airplane that flies over my house.
Guy Who Invented the Jet Engine: this will revolutionize the travel industry
Guy Who Really Hates Geese: yeah that too
tarot card reader: so that’s 3 death cards
me: but that means change or rebirth, right?
tarot card reader: *pulling out another death card* no
My dog stopped digging after I told him he’s just gonna end up in China.
After Jaws, I wouldn’t go in water. After the Godfather, I wouldn’t eat at Italian restaurants. I wish I’d seen the Omen before having kids.
Read a magazine at the doctor’s office so I’m all caught up on Clinton running for president. I don’t think Bush can beat him.
Honest ads – ‘Hot singles in your area want to be just friends’. ‘Hot singles in your area think of you more like a brother’.
penguins mate for life, which is why you never see one smiling
*pulls away from kissing*
Me: Please insert 2oz of cheese to continue.
Outside, contemplating life, love, and happiness and if I should tell the neighbor that his kid has been stuck in a tree for three hours.
That’s a nice piñata you have there… it would be a real shame if something weren’t to happen to it.
her: when we go to Hawaii let’s ride a dolphin
me:
her:
me: i’m taking a plane, Karen
you know a tweet’s gotten spread around when random catholics get mad at you “PLEASE DON’T GO TO MASS IF YOU’RE NOT CATHOLIC” my..my wife wanted me to go, you turkey, catholic mass is not my go-to choice for a FUN NIGHT OUT
“Everybody loves us weird girls, right up until we start doing weird girl shit,” I say to my cat, as we watch a documentary about serial killers in our matching onesies.
HOW DO I CONVINCE EVERYONE THAT I’M NOT UPSET SOMEONE STOLE MY CAPS LOCK KEY?
*At the bar
Me)May I sit here?
Her)I have a boyfriend
Me)That’s ok, I’m 50. I just want to sit down
Received a DM from a dude who claimed that he knows me in real life.
I can’t guess out who he is, probably I have to kill my friends until I get him.
Can’t blame Waldo for hiding. Imagine if some dude just starting writing books encouraging people to find you.
[Call from cell company]
We can give you 15 gigs for $100
Me: Excellent!
*Puts the band back together
your honor my client feels very bad he got caught
Was feeling particularly adventorous today.so decided to jump off a moving train.now hav to buy my nephew a new train set
“I ran a half marathon” sounds so much better than “I quit halfway through a marathon”.
As 2021 closes, I am reminded of a saying.
Time flies like an arrow…
But fruit flies like a banana.
I don’t get the concept of Beach House Hunters. You don’t have to hunt a house. Especially on the beach. It has nowhere to hide
Oh, you climbed Mt. Everest?
Well, I live with 4 teenagers and ALL the laundry in the house is clean AND folded.
.
They built a huge, ugly thought-control tower right next to my house but actually I love it so much
If a man shows up with cotton eyes, my first question won’t be about his travel itinerary.