Oh, I don’t need a whole bag of confetti. Just the one confetto will be fine.
You Might Also Like
The biggest thing I learned when I got married was how much I made up lyrics to songs…
First date the man should pick up the bill. In the absence of a bill look for William instead.
My life as a parent is less Mary Poppins and more Shawshank Redemption.
And ladies, keying cars is very 2010 lol all you need to do is ask to drive his car and you take it and speed pass every speed camera in your city. And just return his car back to him like nothing happened.
I was led to believe my middle ages would involve more jousts.
How to cow tip:
First, sneak up behind the cow.
Next, get into a wide stance.
Finally, slip the money into it’s bell.
My toxic trait is that if you see me naked, that girl from the ring murders you in 7 days
I’m no fan of Smokey the Bear. He’s just the first step on the slippery slope to vigilantism.
My husband gets so cranky when I come home from the pool with only a fraction of the kids I left with
*Dino-Jesus preaching to the dinosaurs*
“Let he who is without sin cast the first stone.”
*Asteroid crushes Earth*
“Dammit Dad.”
{concert}
eddie vedder: WHO’S READY TO ROCK?!
me (from the mosh pit waiting for my transition lenses to adjust to indoors) GIMME A SEC, ED
Moth 1: Such a great day for flying
Moth 2: No wind at all…perfect
Moth 1: Where should be go?
Moth 2: We cou-[semi-truck drives by]
Moth 1 (looking around): Hello? Stan?
I taught my 4yo niece to play poker today. It got pretty cutthroat, & I’m now the proud owner of a Barbie Dream house & her entire Hatchimal collection.
I want to go on the record by saying I love my family but if I have to spend any longer with them you’ll be seeing me on the 6 o’clock news.
People on Twitter: OMG I love how confident you are
Me: [playing trivia at a bar by myself because I assume people don’t want me on their team even though two groups of friends literally asked me to join their teams] yep
Check out the legs on this baby
*talking to a cool girl at a house party while pretending my right foot is not currently stuck in the dog’s water bowl*
Never tell someone that it would work out if “only they lived closer”. Crazy can change zip codes faster than you can change your identity.
Every one hides their keys under a rock, it’s way too obvious folks.
Instead, try hiding it somewhere no one will ever expect, like in an active wasp nest or in your dogs mouth.
Somebody call the cops.
Nurse: “It says here you’re lacoste intolerant? Is that a typo?”
Me: “No. I just really, really can’t stand polos with crocodiles on them.”
Pee your name in the snow and you’ll quickly understand why they teach cursive in our schools.
My relationship advice?
Play Chess instead.
It’s less complicated.
Love how Gatorade “flavors” are like “icy charge” and “Cascade crash” and “Arctic blitz” instead of things that would even remotely indicate what you’re about to taste
I just hid a big bag of Easter peanut butter cups in the back of the freezer. In July I’ll find them and be very pleased then convinced I have dementia.
[dog wedding]
[Bride throws bouquet into crowd]
[Groom catches it, gives it back to Bride]
[Bride throws bouquet again]
[Groom catches..
bought an eggplant, imma grow my own eggs
WIFE: If you embarrass me in public again, I’m leaving you
[Single Ladies comes on the jukebox]
ME: *rising to my feet* Well, we had a good run
timmy was starting to wonder just how badly he really wanted that archery badge