I’m a bad influence on myself.
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Friend: what are u doing
Me: training my pet rock
Friend: that’s dumb
Pet Rock: *leaps from my hand & hits him in the face*
Me: no rocky, no
I bet short people get really excited when they accidentally hit their head on things.
Boss:Why is your voice gone? Are you ok?
Me:*thinks back to me belting out Ariana Grande’s “Dangerous Woman”*
I’m ok…allergies are bad.
THERAPIST: what’s the problem?
WIFE: he objectifies women
ME: [trying to stuff bread into her armpit] toaster
Didn’t think I was that out of practice at parenting but then I went to put a friend’s one and a half year old in his car seat and it was like trying to stuff an octopus into a net bag.
Like a shark smelling blood in the water, my toddler can also smell when I am eating my secret stash of cookies.
[my kids walk in on me being murdered]
ME: call 911
KIDS: ok but then will you get us a snack?
Survivor, except it’s just me holding in my pee while talking to a guest at work.
I got tired of arguing with my kids about screen time and also tired of telling them to plug in their devices, so I‘ve stopped charging them myself and now I don’t have to argue with the kids because their devices are all out of battery
Me: spreads bacon grease on my toast
Also me: how did I gain weight this week?
If I had to choose between watching Frozen 1 and Frozen 2, I’d probably choose whiskey.
Kmart is closing 108 stores putting 16 cashiers out of work.
Sometimes I feel like I’m the only one who’s not on the keto diet and that makes me so happy.
“The Burning Bush” but it’s just me getting laser hair removal.
Probably my best painting.
took a girl to starbucks because i forgot her name
I’m my own worst enemy which is frustrating because I’d always hoped my worst enemy would have an eye patch.
Forgive me Father, for I have sinned.
~What is your sin, child?
My husband and I are arguing
~That’s very common.
…about my boyfriend.
I’m too immature to use a recipe that calls for cumin.
Cop: Do you know why I pulled you over?
Me: Because you got picked on in high school?
Cop: *sniffles* Shut up.
You ever released wind at the bank and accidentally deposited loose change?
Psychologist: I’m going to lift this shade and you’ll see you are NOT a vampire.
Man: No!
*lifts shade and the sunlight ignites the man into a screaming inferno*
Nurse: *screams*
P: He convinced his body to do that.
N:
P: I’ve seen it before, Brenda. He’s the 9th this week.
Fecking hate sellotape should go sit in the wrong corner with everything else I hate ….
[trying to stick a dollar in a vending machine]
vending machine: i have a boyfriend
my bf is on a plane to miami right now and a bulldog in the row next to him just had diarrhea. everyone freaked out, the dog owner began sobbing, and the dog escaped. now, covered in poo, it is running around the plane. people are lifting up their legs and screaming.
[during sex]
Him: punish me, baby
me: *tells him everything I had to eat that day*
Him: wait, stop
me: hang on *hands him the phone* my mom wants to talk to you
Him: *dies*
I hate that when something is difficult, people say “it’s no picnic,” as if picnics are just some walk in the park.
Is your wife single?
What? You want to show me pictures of fireworks? That you took all by yourself? Hold on.
*drops acid*
Ok, go.
What doesn’t kill me makes me smaller – Mario