jesus: hey dad
God: hey
jesus: happy Father’s Day
God: thanks bud
God: hey listen man so im gonna need u to die on a cross
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“Do you love the shape of hamburgers but hate that delicious taste?” -Veggie Burgers
I don’t think I’m cut out for parenting.
– me, with four kids, ages 14 to 23.
BARTENDER: *wiping a glass* what’ll it be
ME: I’ll have a dirty martini
BARTENDER: *stops wiping glass*
can’t catch a break
Friend of mine confused IUD with IED and I couldn’t stop laughing
therapist: if you don’t choose yourself, someone else will
me: agreed. i’ve decided to be a pterodactyl
therapist; that’s progress
me: haven’t tried flying yet
therapist: please don’t
me: you sound just like her
I’m a real badass until I feel a stray hair and think it’s a spider.
“Paintings or it didn’t happen.” – 1700’s-1920
I didn’t have to shower alone today…..
Related…….why the hell are there spiders in the winter?
My 10 y/o daughter refused to eat the oatmeal I made her because it “tastes like wet cardboard” so I tried to be funny and asked her how she would know what wet cardboard tastes like.
10: Don’t ask. The pandemic was hard on all of us.
Meanwhile, at School:
Teacher- “How much is a gram?”
Laure- “Depends on what you want”
Teacher- “Out, just get out”
#YouOwnedHimDude
The woman next to me smells SO good, is it weird if I’m like “What perfume is that, I will literally stop robbing this bank if you tell me”?
Take your girl camping and your relationship will become more in tents.
Not Sorry.
Hotels be like, it’s $150 a night and you’re staying 2 nights so that brings your total to $947.43.
Welcome to your 40’s. Squinting’s not helping anymore. Now you have to take pics of the products you want to buy, then enlarge them to read their composition.
Cold.
Warm.
Warm.
Warmer.
Hot.
Burning.
Cold.
Hot!Eating microwaved leftovers.
Just saw a BMW double-parked at the grocery store. Nature is healing.
The moon is moving away from the earth at about 5 inches a year so it’s like the longest break up ever
Wife: how much did it cost to rent that bouncy castle?
Me: I dunno. Buying it wasn’t cheap tho
If reading bedtime stories to my son has taught me anything, it’s that mice lead much fuller, exciting lives than I do.
She told me she liked it doggy style so I gave her a treat & took her for a walk.
My daughter’s principal made a surprise visit to every 5th grader’s house to hand out “class of 2020” bags, t-shirts, and beach towels.
Let me tell you, you haven’t lived until you’ve stood in your doorway braless in pajamas chatting with your kid’s principal.
wife: “no one will remember dont worry”
me: “ok”
[2 mins into my high school reunion]
guy: “yo are you the dude that brought a dog to prom?”
Sometimes I think about the time my four year old told me she ate fruit at school and when I asked her what kind she said flamangos.
“This isn’t working out,” I insist to my girlfriend as we glide effortlessly downhill on her tandem bicycle.
So that old avocado in the fruit bowl was actually a rolled up green sock & now I’m freaking out because I’ve already served the guacamole.
I’m getting genuinely concerned about the declining literacy rate.
Not to brag but growing up my boys thought a unanimous decision meant whatever mom wants.
RHCP: Red Hot Chili Peppers
my brain: Real Housewives of Chili Peppers
Good for you, the 3 people trying to keep MySpace alive. Good. For. You.