jesus: hey dad
God: hey
jesus: happy Father’s Day
God: thanks bud
God: hey listen man so im gonna need u to die on a cross
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Elon Musk: Inhabiting Mars is the only hope we have of saving the human race
Jesus: LOL
Apparently you can’t just drop your ex off at the morgue just cause they are dead to you.
Fortune Teller: I see a trip in your future
Me [cancelling a week-long trip to Peru]: haha nope. wrong, idiot.
[fall down stairs as I leave]
Me: I’m so tired. Can’t wait to go to sleep.
Body: Hold up there. Need to test nerve endings. Here’s a random shooting pain in your hand.
Me: No.
Brain: Here’s that weird jerking thing when you start to fall asleep!!
Me: Please stop.
Body: Itchy back!
With these gas prices, arson’s sure not the cheap thrill it used to be
Don’t listen to your heart. It’s just a pump receiving commands from the brain. Don’t listen to your brain, either. If it had any good ideas, you wouldn’t be here now.
I just saw a skunk and a possum walking through my backyard and i of course assume they’re off on some kind of adventure
6: What are you making? It smells terrible!
Me: *literally just boiling water*
boss: what are u doing
me: *pretends to read email*
boss: did u just say “pretends to read email”
(job interview)
HR: And one of the many benefits we offer is a free gym membership. We really push healthy living.
Me: *stands up and leaves*
I’m writing Spider Ma’am, about a middle aged woman who gets bitten by a radioactive spider but keeps it to herself because she doesn’t freaking need this.
You’re in his DMs
I am wanted in 37 states for tax evasion
wife: YOU changed the sheets?!
[flashback to me eating nachos in bed after she told me not to and getting cheese everywhere]
me: Surprise!
Firecrackers let you know how close drunk people are to your house.
I accidentally hired a wordsmith instead of a locksmith and now my latched threshold has been compromised by a metallic puzzle solver.
Dating Tips.
C all her 69 times a day.
R ing her doorbell and hide.
E avesdrop by phone tapping.
E ye her bffs.
P oke her on FB.
[Me, on my deathbed]
Wife: Is that what you’re going to wear?
casual sex implies the existence of ranked competitive sex
Oh baby let me lick your [Googs term for spiral pasta real quick]
Big brouhaha at the farmer’s market today when the fishstand guy set up next to the candle lady and no one could smell her candles and her boyfriend the homemade soap guy tried to intervene but ended up buying a fresh cut salmon.
Me: “Don’t piss me off, I can rip a phone book in half.”
10yo: “A phone what?”
The next man who calls me deluded is going to regret it when he finds me sitting in his house wearing a wedding dress.
Not now kids. Mom is racing her rubber duckies in the bathtub and this time I really think Javier is going to win.
peppa pig implies the existence of salt pig
Showing that you can fit your fist in your mouth on the first date is only sexy if you can get it back out afterwards
Danke for calling Germany.
To order beer, press 1.
To order weapons, press 2.
To order philosophy, press 1 until it resembles a 2.
“Make yourself at home.” they say, then it’s “Ma’am please put your bra back on.”
Make up your mind, library story time, make up your mind!
*accidentally leaving the house without headphones* oH NO NOW PEOPLE CAN SEE ME
The final exam for police service dogs to remain calm in front of a cat, Germany, 1987.
[punches shark on the nose[
shark: that wont stop me
me: are u crying
shark: no its always wet & salty on my face