Jesus: *holding bread*
This is my body.
*holding wine*
This is my blood.
*holding a meeting* This could have been an email.
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A car window made specifically for a dog to stick its head out of is called a sunwoof.
THEM: You can’t go wrong with this recipe.
ME: Watch me.
Not to brag, but a mechanic at this garage says I may have set a record for miles driven without an oil change.
[to guy with his foot caught in a bear trap]
dude that things for bears
My kids all went to bed without being asked so I’m interrogating them all to see who did what.
Eventually they’ll break.
commas are like garlic, you measure with your heart
If cauliflower can become pizza, you my friend, can do anything.
me: you hear old macdonald’s farm got replaced by artificial intelligence?
him: AI?
me: AI
him: oh
The cheese grader saw me walk in the house with a bag of shredded cheddar and shit got real awkward.
As my dog lovingly stares at me as I’m buzzed out on cold meds, I wonder if he can drive a stick shift and go get me some Doritos.
Boss: Read me one of your funny tweets
Me: Not right now I’m working
Boss: Bahahahaha tell me another one
3 reasons I’m not a hiker:
1. I don’t like sweating.
2. I don’t like getting lost.
3. I don’t like stumbling across human remains in shallow graves.
Waiting in the coffee drive-thru line impatiently watching the driver in front of me chatting with the barista and my 12 y/o sighs and says, “C’mon, lady, she’s not your therapist, move along.” Never get between a middle school girl and her Frappuccino.
Me: Being a healthy adult is getting a full 8hrs sleep
Boss: But not while you’re supposed to be working
Crocodiles possess the cerebral cortex function necessary for memory. So they’ll likely be hurt if you don’t actually show up after while.
The fall of Netflix
[getting murdered]
me: my computer has a virus, so u could say
[murdering pauses]
me: i’ve been hacked twice today lol
[murdering intensifies]
I opened a pistachio once…
Worst 37 minutes of my life.
My friend’s DoorDash was stolen by a raccoon right after the same thing happened in Florida and I think we might have an orca situation going on here.
I’ve lost more friends to Candy Crush than Crystal Meth.
Husband *seductively*: you know what we haven’t done in a while?
Me: Yeah! Slept.
Husband: Correct, good night.
Coming Soon
Jason Statham is a reluctant thief with a heart of gold*cue explosion*
PUNCH McEXPLODEY CAR MAN
*fade to black*
New App Matches You With Others In Vicinity Who Wasted $2.99 On Same App
Has anyone tried ejecting 2020, blowing on it, putting it back in and hitting play?
*Jesus announces he is God’s son*
Questions?
*everyone raises hand*
No I can’t fly
*most hands drop*
Or throw lightning
*rest of hands drop*
Apparently the drunk guy at the urinal next to me is under the impression that I was stung in the leg by a jellyfish.
Up until five minutes ago I thought Coachella was a Disney Princess who made expensive handbags.
[guy who’s about to invent urinals]
*peeing* i hate having privacy
Me:
How’s that chicken babe, too spicy?12:
Its not really spicy..Except on the way out
petitioning to change the phrase “gas mileage” to “dinosaur cremation efficiency”