JESUS: I am the way, the truth, and the life

ME: This guy is definitely an only child

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Therapist: Do you have a support system?

Me: I have a lumbar pillow.

Therapist: No, I mean a family, friends?

Me: I have a lumbar pillow.


Me with a black eye: You should see the other guy – he looks amazing. I think he moisturizes.


You should never lie through your teeth. Open your mouth and speak properly.


My GF’s anti aging cream went bad.


[During quarantine]

Kidnapper: 25,000 by this Sunday if you want to see your kids again.

Me: how about 40,000 and you keep them til next weekend?


ME: *Opening my office Secret Santa gift and it’s a loaf of bread* Wooow, well, thank you, to WHOEVER this was from!

MY ONLY DUCK COWORKER: *Whispers excitedly* It was me. I was your Secret Santa.


It always amuses me when I see tweets from people clearly using words they don’t understand, thus making themselves look aerodynamic.


Current fitness level: arm is tired from brushing teeth.


She : You have a girlfriend.
Me : No. I had.
She : Where did she go?
Me : She Ransomware.