8 asked if I had to choose between not having him or not having chocolate for a whole week what would I do and I said I couldn’t believe he’d even ask me that and then I packed a bag for him and said I’d see him in a week
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ME: *scattering remains* He loved this park.
PARK RANGER: But…but he hasn’t been cremated!
ME: *lowering axe* Cremated?
Scissors [to Rock]: So you beat me & I beat Paper but how does Paper beat you?
[cut to Paper meeting a hitman] Make it look like an accident
TEXTING 101
ME: Hi
College son:
ME: How are you?
CS:
ME: Are you still alive?
CS: …
CS:
CS:
ME: I can cut off your phone
CS: Hi Ma love u
I’ve been learning to cook.
cellmate: what are you in here for
me: [snuggling] my bunk is cold
I sexually identify as an avocado.
Not in the mood.
Not in the mood.
Not in the mood.
Oh yes tonight is the nigh-
Too late, I’m over it.
Day 16,607:
Still not stuck on a deserted island, and beginning to lose hope
Coworker: you play any sports
Me: yeah but I’ve had to take a break from it
CW: oh..Injury?
Me: *thinks about broken controller* yeah..kinda
If Spiderman really did whatever a spider can, he’d scare the shit out of women and get his ass kicked with a flip-flop.
If Pokémon has taught me anything it’s that if I see a cute animal I should force my cat to fight it until it’s weak enough to enslave.
My 6yo wouldn’t eat his chocolate chip muffin bec there were too many chocolate chips in it, and now I…I just…I’m gonna need a min here.
wife: (puts on her glasses) how do i look?
me: with… with your glasses.
Half the jobs my four-year-old wants when he grows up don’t even exist. WTF is a “karate astronaut”?
Just think, Someone comes to you, opens buttons of your shirt, stares at you from top to bottom and then leaves.
That’s how fridges feel.
Hey big accounts –
What’s it like to tweet “My cat sneezed”
and get 500 RT in the first minute ?My cat would be dead before I got 50
Deeply concerning if literal: Last Christmas I gave you my heart.
*brings pen to sword fight*
Me: ‘This ending kinda writes itself.’
I said I was a man with a plan. I said nothing about it being a good plan.
Wife’s outta her goddamn mind if she thinks I won’t purposely fall off this ladder to prove we should’ve hired someone to wash the windows.
What’s the matter, babe?
You haven’t touched any of your Shrekfast.
Which is faster, hot or cold?
Hot, because you can catch a cold.
A ballerina walks into a barre. Embarrassed, she splits.
My sense of smell has been gone ever since the, “smell this leftover ham” incident back in 2004.
You wouldn’t believe the number of times I’ve narrowly escaped death as an agent of a covert, black ops squadron. But my nephews would, and that’s why I’m looking forward to Thanksgiving.
In my 20’s: I want to find true love.
In my 40’s: I just want a toaster that gets me.
You need subtitles.
Me to every 2yr old.
A buddy asked me what it was like to cook with toddlers so I dumped out a bag of flour, threw a half-dozen eggs on the floor and then we went out to eat.
half the posts I see are people planning to go completely feral this summer and the other half are folks concerned that they’ll be permanently agoraphobic. I, for one, will be doing both
I’m not real sure if my neighbors are having sex or playing ping-pong in flip-flops and shouting in Russian
“wya?” my limit bro. i’m at my limit