Nothing is as heavy as a page that needs turning.
Jesus: I can turn water into wine.
Aquarium: [loud drunken cheering]
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*Runs 6 miles*
*Adds Kenyan to resume*
Me: *wakes up with a jolt, sweating*
Her: omg are you ok??
Me: BABY SPICE WASN’T A BABY SO THAT MEANS SPORTY PROBABLY WASN’T ATHLETIC AT ALL
Standing up in the bath real quick: free
ME: Whats the name of that thing that holds beer and keeps it chilled?
ME: *lights cigarette and runs my fingers through my hair* What’s the name of that thing that holds beer and keeps it chilled, babe?
Heckling someone at their third wedding automatically removes you from their fourth wedding invitee list
The more you know
– a prison flick…or a grateful Sean Connery
“Though I walk through the valley of the shadow of death, I will fear no evil..”
Him: Do you have to say that everytime we visit my mom?
detective: looks like someone cut the victim open
mortician: that was me
detective: *into wire* we got em