Jesus: I can turn water into wine.
Aquarium: [loud drunken cheering]
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Getting lucky during a pandemic means I just scored the last bag of doritos in the grocery store.
Whenever I tinker with the idea of a having a relationship, I go spend a night with my married friends.
(first date)
Me: *hyperventilating*
Him: Don’t be nervous. Take a deep breath.
Me: Can’t. I’m wearing three pairs of Spanx.
Sorry I missed your call, the frogs had my phone again.
X-rays are dangerous, they were probably less harmful when they were just rays, but after the breakup…
I like how Angelina waited to divorce Brad Pitt until Jen got married. Well played Maleficent…well played…
Did a little self diagnosing over on Web MD and it turns out I’ve been dead since 2006
I don’t understand Christian heavy metal. Like why are they so angry for Jesus?
Diary, day 1: I’m in the gang, but the guys didn’t want my mom to join
Day 2: Friendship bracelets don’t count as bling
Day 3: They found my diary. I’m out of the gang
Me: *entering my 30th year of employment* I wonder what I’m going to be when I grow up
School is like ok lemme get you up to speed on all the wars you missed before you go to your job forever
Plot twist: I knock on Jehovah’s Witnesses doors. “I’d like to talk to you about modern science “
5yo: dad how many teeth do I have to lose to buy a tv?
Me: *doing zero math* uh like a thousand
5yo: do I have a thousand teeth?
Me: haha not quite
5yo: *just glares at his little brother*
live, laugh, laundry.
My five-year-old daughters noisily broke into my office during class. I tried to scoop them out on my own but failed. Went to the door to call for help and THEY LOCKED THE DOOR BEHIND ME and had a five-minute conversation with my students while I rambled on about “consequences.”
Date: Your profile said you wanted someone to attend a wedding with you.
Me: Yup!
Date: This wasn’t what I had in mind.
Officiant: Do you take this man?
Me: I do!
Golfer: *lining up his shot* what do you think?
Me (first day as a caddy): *reaching for a club* i think you should try your best
me: you know what’s not cool?
13: *yelling from another room* YOU!
Some people are like water balloons; they’re more fun when you throw them out the window.
Never look at the guy riding a unicycle, you’re giving him what he wants
My wife is so married that she even stopped blowing out the candles on her birthday cake cause she doesn’t want me gettin’ any ideas.
3 things in life are certain: death, taxes and me not actually working past 1 pm on a Friday
Me: will you wake your sister
4: no that’s way too scary
Have to write a note to my kid’s first grade teacher, and now I’m stressed out about my handwriting
Why would a married man buy a hearing aid?
Wife wants some excitement in the bedroom so I’m going to put small rubber snakes in her underwear drawer
*Drops son at preschool*
Son: I love you daddy
*tears up*
*3pm picks son up*
S: love you Ms H, love you stuffed toy
Me: oh I see how it is
My neck, my back, my…
People who race to pull out in front of me and then go below the speed limit, explain yourselves.
Call your doctor if there are more than 4 wolves inside of you.