@BigJDubz

Jesus: I can turn water into wine.

Aquarium: [loud drunken cheering]

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@Reel2Dialog2

Me: *wakes up with a jolt, sweating*
Her: omg are you ok??
Me: BABY SPICE WASN’T A BABY SO THAT MEANS SPORTY PROBABLY WASN’T ATHLETIC AT ALL

@sofarrsogud

ME: Whats the name of that thing that holds beer and keeps it chilled?

WIFE: Cooler

ME: *lights cigarette and runs my fingers through my hair* What’s the name of that thing that holds beer and keeps it chilled, babe?

@TouchOfAlchemy

Heckling someone at their third wedding automatically removes you from their fourth wedding invitee list

The more you know

@Shade510

Shank you.

– a prison flick…or a grateful Sean Connery

@Nikkeya08

“Though I walk through the valley of the shadow of death, I will fear no evil..”

Him: Do you have to say that everytime we visit my mom?

@TweetPotato314

detective: looks like someone cut the victim open

mortician: that was me

detective: *into wire* we got em