Jesus, I didn’t mean my cheese wheel when I said you take the wheel.
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Quarantine, day 14. Me and my boyfriend spent the whole day setting up an art gallery for our gerbil.
ME [explaining Daylight Savings Time]: yeah, you can just do crimes. that entire hour DOES NOT count. legally speaking
Women: ugh, my period again
Me: In highschool I had 6 periods a day – No big whoop
Direct deposit: $1400
Me at Dollar Tree: I’ll take 1400 trees
One good thing about this heatwave is that no one is hiding in your backseat to try to kill you.
Me: For who the bell tolls…
Teacher: You forgot the ‘M’.
Me:Oh…
Me:
Me: For who them bells toll…
My wife told me to find someone else if anything ever happened to her so I don’t know why she got pissed when she found my “prospects” list.
I’ve never seen a runner smiling.
So that’s all I need to know about that.
Him: When I told you the chicken was good, I lied.
Me: That’s okay. I lied when I said it was chicken.
(Writing in food journal)
me: for lunch I had sa………
trainer: (interrupting) salad. awesome.
me: sake.
“Nope. Nope. Yeah right. Nope. Close! Nah. Nope. Almost! Hahaha, you’re terrible at this.” – piece of popcorn stuck between teeth.
Creams that smell like fruit play with your brain.
Tempted to eat my own leg.
Smells like mango, but would probably taste like rare steak.
Good night hand
Good night toe
Good night every noun I know-my toddler, at bedtime
The only good thing about daylight saving time is tricking kids into bed early
Age ceases to be just a number everytime the airline announces seating queue priority
How am I supposed to sleep now that I’ve realized 125 people have watched a video of me drunkenly making nachos?
…. And they didn’t even like it.
Just saw an amazing deal for Valentine’s Day “You’re My One and Only” cards.. 2 for $5
When someone patiently listens to you for an hour without judgment…
$85
When your best friend listens to you for 10 minutes and tells you you’re being an idiot…
Priceless.
In an effort to demonstrate how pointless internet debates are, please prove to me that snow is real
I cannot stop thinking about how the director of Con Air’s previous directing credit was 10 years earlier and it was the music video for Rick Astley’s Never Gonna Give You Up.
“Hello darkness my old friend.”
Darkness: I’m not lending you any money.
If everything gets better with age, explain why this dead body keeps smelling worse and worse
Ancient Man “let’s form a partnership”
Wolves “I dunno. We saw what you do to cows”
Man “Haha, you can trust us” *hides sketch of chihuahua*
Had a dream some of my friends were mooning me, woke up at the crack of Don.
NOBODY MOVE I LOST AN HOUR
If that’s what meditation is doing for you, WOW! Mostly, I just get itchy.
My kids ask the dumbest questions in the car like would you eat your arms if they were pickles? Like obviously the answer is yes.
ME: need help?
GIRL (having car trouble): could u give me a jump
ME: *inflating the bounce house I keep in my trunk* I thought u’d never ask
If you need a laugh.. 😅