Jesus: I don’t wanna stay with Mary and Joseph this weekend
God: you know the deal, you can live here with me but Christmas & Easter you stay with them
Jesus: Christmas and what?
God: what
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Your 20s are for figuring out who you are.
Your 30s are for figuring out where you want to be.
Your 40s are for figuring out what the attachments to your vacuum do
houseguest: is this a pull out couch
me: no we kind of just hope for the best
Boss: if you don’t know what to say, slamming your face on the keyboard isn’t a solution
Me: what do you mean?
The scariest thing about the terrorists is how fast they can do the monkey bars in their training camp videos.
At 2am, nothing creeps me out more than the shadowy silhouette of my 3 year old.
me: [hiring a hitman] now how can we make my songs better
Bees always go straight for your Coke can because their Mom doesn’t let them have sugary drinks at home.
ADVERSARY: I’ll beat you at your own game
ME: so crying is competitive now?!
Sure I feel bad for Marty McFly having to take his mum to the dance so his parents meet, but poor John Connor had to send his mate back in time to bang his mum or he wouldn’t have been born
If I text you “🤔🥺😏🤦♂️😭😥🤨😔😘😔😏🤦♂️😏🤦♂️😉🤦♂️😘😊🏆🙄🤔🙄😏😔❤️💁🤨” it means my 4 year old stole my phone.
Pundit being interviewed on the BBC re Windsor Castle: “The Queen and Prince Philip would be here when they weren’t elsewhere.” And you can’t argue with that.
I was bored and filled a spherical ice cube mold with milk. When I took it out it was perfect…until I dropped it and it broke in half. Now I’m crying over split milk.
No regrets in 2018
*watching someone make a cake*
them: and now add the mascarpone
me: ah yes, the one that hides the horses
The most elusive of all creatures is the camo camo camo camo camo chameleon
I would’ve thrown a coin in the water fountain and wished for all the money in it, but I just waited ’til it was dark instead.
We have 25 people coming over tomorrow for a bbq. 6 moms. 6 dads. 13 toddlers under the age of 4. My husband said if I took our girls out today that he’d ‘get the house ready.’ What did he clean in the 2 hours we were gone? The top of the fridge. He cleans the TOP OF THE FRIDGE.
WTF
Maybe wear your heart on the other sleeve, that one has mustard on it.
[time machine appears in my old bedroom]
FUTURE ME: Put that book down, go outside, and enjoy your youth.
YOUNG ME: [stunned] Okay, okay *runs outside*
[time machine ceases to exist]
FUTURE ME: Dammit. I really should have thought this through.
i once got pulled into the boss’s office because a coworker was upset that i gave him “a look that implied he was an idiot.”
Me: wanna go cow tipping?
Other person: that sounds fun
*LATER*
Me: *handing cow five dollars* thanks for the milk, Daisy
your honor, what are you doing after this. the dating apps aren’t working for me
“How do you compete in fencing if you don’t have a sword?”
“I just dodge the other guy’s attacks.”
“You’re missing the point.”
“That’s the idea!”
What is this special type of waffle called a “Tennis racket” and why does it taste like metal wires?
Dear Mario,
I wasted my childhood trying to save your girlfriend 🙂
wife: is that ellen?
daughter: no, it’s dory
me: ellen is the actress that plays dory
daughter: is she a fish?
me: no, she’s a human
daughter: then that’s not her, cause that actress is a fish
We don’t have any popcorn, so I’m just eating butter and salt.
[puts key in lock]
DO YOU AGREE TO NEW TERMS & CONDITIONS?
“sigh.”
*Accept
[door opens, rooms are smaller, furniture is moved]
Dog: “Moooo!”
My favorite part about Black Friday is the part where I go to the mall, find a great parking spot & sit in my car with the reverse lights on