Jesus: I don’t wanna stay with Mary and Joseph this weekend
God: you know the deal, you can live here with me but Christmas & Easter you stay with them
Jesus: Christmas and what?
God: what

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I’m enjoying a run through the sprinkler, but everyone else “smells smoke” and “thinks we should leave the conference room”


My wife is:
1) Am amazing mom and a great friend
2) Still the most beautiful girl I’ve ever been with
3) Now following me on Twitter


When no one stars a tweet, I tell myself it was probably appreciated by hundreds of shy people.


I saw my Subway artist drinking absinthe in the alley behind the shop. This sandwich gonna be a masterpiece.


[me trying to do magic]
Is this your card?
Is THIS your card?
“Not even close”
What about THIS?
“Trent thats literally a piece of ham”


Little known fact, Alvin wore the big A on his shirt because he slept around.


My Fitbit mistook my panic attack for high intensity interval training.