@GrantTanaka

Jesus: I HAVE RETURNED
[wife & I arguing about who used the last paper towel or some other shit]
Jesus: OK I’MMA COME BACK LATER

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@SkinnerSteven

BOSS: “Send that email to the client and copy me-”

Me:*Boss voice* “Send that email to the client and copy me”

@Jake_Vig

*travels back in time*
*follows Albert Einstein*
*waits for him to trip*
*yells “Way to go, Einstein!”*
*returns satisfied to present*

@OllyiConic

me: hit that tree with your fist

hitman: that’s not what i do

me: hundred bucks

hitman: no

me: will you punch a house

@nigelgodwin

I bought myself one of those “off road vehicles” last week…
Paid $3000 for it, got it home and found out it was a Canoe!!!

@sarahyehia82

Nothing says “I don’t take you seriously” like your dog wagging his tail when you are yelling at him.

@Pirate_nurse

Don’t forget to put everybody before her so she has no clue whether you really give a shit or not

@DRUNKdadding

You know when your cat looks at your kids like “thanks to you I’ve been out of food for 3 days and nobody’s noticed” …..?