Jesus: I HAVE RETURNED
[wife & I arguing about who used the last paper towel or some other shit]
Jesus: OK I’MMA COME BACK LATER
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“Hurry up, this isn’t really my house.”
Woke up in a graveyard. Never felt more alive.
BOSS: “Send that email to the client and copy me-”
Me:*Boss voice* “Send that email to the client and copy me”
*travels back in time*
*follows Albert Einstein*
*waits for him to trip*
*yells “Way to go, Einstein!”*
*returns satisfied to present*
me: hit that tree with your fist
hitman: that’s not what i do
me: hundred bucks
me: will you punch a house
I bought myself one of those “off road vehicles” last week…
Paid $3000 for it, got it home and found out it was a Canoe!!!
Nothing says “I don’t take you seriously” like your dog wagging his tail when you are yelling at him.
Don’t forget to put everybody before her so she has no clue whether you really give a shit or not
You know when your cat looks at your kids like “thanks to you I’ve been out of food for 3 days and nobody’s noticed” …..?