Jesus: I HAVE RETURNED
[wife & I arguing about who used the last paper towel or some other shit]
Jesus: OK I’MMA COME BACK LATER
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Interviewer: what’s your greatest weakness?
Me: I use bad words
Interviewer: *laughing* that’s okay, we’re pretty tolerant around here
Me: well that’s extrusively marblous to hear
smokey robinson: tears of a clown
witch: where did you get this recipe
imagine being Billy Zane in Titanic you think you’re going on a nice little romantic trip, 5 minutes later your gf is sleeping with someone else, the boat’s sinking and you’re racing about the place with a gun thinking why is this my life now
“Don’t kid yourself.”
—birth control advert
Why do they call it a ‘reading of the will’ and not a dead giveaway?
Him: I’d like to hear you scream.
Me: *screams like a banshee*
me: *easily carrying 20 grocery bags* hi 😉
her: are those empty
friend: have u seen garfield as spiderman?
me: omg not yet is there a tail hole in his suit??
friend: it’s andrew garf-
me: *nodding, sitting back down* andrew garfield
All it took was a skirt and one strong gust of wind and all of a sudden, my spirit animal is Hello Kitty.
Him: What dat mouf do?
Me: Talk a lot of shit and eat fried chicken.
[steps on scale]
Me *shrugs*: New year, more me
I don’t let my husband pick up the groceries right now because I’m worried he’ll taste freedom and never come back.
I like to throw bottles into the ocean with notes that just say, k.
ME: Pet it
OPTIMUS PRIME: But I’m afraid of it
ME: It’s just a dog
OP: Oh..ok [reaches out]
DOG: [sneezes]
OP: [transforms into large truck]
Me: Sometimes when I’m eating string cheese I pretend I’m a medieval torturer trying to get a confession from a prisoner.
Therapist: So, anyway, I’m going to double your meds.
(A world where everyone is named Bethany)
Bethany: what should we name our child?
Bethany: Bethany
theres been a horrible success at the accident factory
According to the Chinese zodiac, it’s the year of the dog, or “who’s a good year?!”
I just got a text from someone I don’t know. They say they’re sick and vomitting.
Should I tell them that vomitting only has one T?
Me: I’m really worried about becoming a first time dad, I’m just so forgetful.
10yo daughter: You don’t need to tell me.
You never know what you’ll get with kids. For example I just got 18 videos of the inside of my freezer.
Angel: Here’s the final human mold *drops it*
God: *creates mom look*
Angel: Are you mad?
God: No, just disappointed
My bag of chocolate-covered espresso beans is empty.
In unrelated news, my daughter is swinging Tarzan-style from the ceiling lamp.
I went to the doctor because I have been hearing voices nonstop.
Apparently they are called children.
My 7-year-old told me she wants a pet chinchilada. Do I find this at the pet store or a Mexican restaurant?
Police have arrested the World Tongue-Twister Champion.
They said he’ll be given a tough sentence.
Have you ever read a reply so stupid you had to click on the profile to see if the person looks as stupid?
My husband says he doesn’t know when it became his job to make the coffee.
I don’t know when it became his job either, but I’m glad he agrees it’s his job.
I want to open a donut shop called Hole Foods.
Gym instructor: It’s never too late to start working out.
Me: Fantastic! I’ll start tomorrow.