JESUS: I shall turn water to wine
JUDAS: Actually wine is 85% water so that’s only 15% miracle
JESUS: This is literally the WORST betrayal
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The only bright side to food poisoning is weighing yourself when it’s over.
Spanish for wife – “esposa”
Spanish for handcuffs – “esposas”
Well played, Spanish
[points at crying baby]
I used to be just like you, and no, it doesn’t get better.
Me: can I see the dessert menu please?
Waiter: No. Not before you finish your vegetables.~family owned restaurants.
[mocking jay part 2]
jay: come on guys please stop
When I went to bed last night I had 47,000 followers. Now I have 700.
Did I spell something wrong?
I walked past a lady in her car with convertible down. She locked the door out of fear. So I smacked her in the back of the head & ran way
going ballistic.
anyone need anything?
*I finish setting up a display of skeletons in my front yard*
Neighbor: Great Halloween display!
Me: What is halloween?
Guys, stop telling women “you’re beautiful” get creative. Tell her she looks like she could beat Taylor Swift in a fight. Tell her she looks like she could make nachos that would **ck you up for a week. Tell her she reminds you of a guy you knew in prison.
New guy: I really like your name
Me: Thanks I got it for my birthday
If I was a vampire, pretty sure I’d find a way to cover blood in cheese.
“How’s your core?” bro I’m not an apple.
When I’m making the bed, my dogs ride the covers like little surfers without surfboards.
If they had surfboards, that would just be ridiculous.
I put my shirt on like everyone else. How I get my pants on, however, involves a spatula and 8 monkeys with Navy SEAL-like precision.
I’ve just text my new girlfriend that I’m into all sorts of douchebaggery.
Autocorrect clearly has a different idea on what debauchery is.
Remember in your 20s when you sat upright to eat
there are differences between normal surfing and crowd surfing for example when you crowd surf people get upset if you pee
Precious was concerned about how long it was taking to make a snack choice.
Wolverines are just smaller, easier to peel wolves.
i’m at the bar pushing pint glasses off the edge like a cat until the bartender sprays me with a water bottle
Wearing a mask had been helpful as I’ve forgotten where I packed my nose hair trimmer.
My cat didn’t get me a Father’s Day card and things are a little tense around here right now.
I only make my food from the natural ingredients, like uranium and asbestos
“Another pancake?”
“No, honestly, 38 is enough for me”
You may be little now, but don’t be discouraged. Someday, you’ll be a man just like me.
*baby starts crying*
Lockdown was an unfortunate time for the launch of my party supplies business. I’ve got more unsold piñatas than you can shake a stick at.
ME: *dies*
DEATH: Welcome to the afterlife.
ME: How do I get to Heaven?
DEATH: *points* Go up those stairs.
ME: What about Hell?
DEATH: *points* Go down those stairs.
ME: And Limbo?
DEATH: *points* Just duck under that bar.
What idiot called it a successful vasectomy and not getting out of the gene pool
Asked my husband why he put his usually-neat bourbon on the rocks and he said it’s because his New Year’s resolution is to drink more water.