Jesus is all like eat my body, drink my blood and I’m all like dude, I only like you as a friend.

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When I die, please put my dead body on a roller coaster but don’t buckle me in


I told a server I’m going to New York this weekend, so when I left he said “have a good time in New York!” and I said “you too!” so long story short, he’s coming to New York with me.


I don’t understand how God can have Ten Commandments for the whole world, and my wife can have 152 just for our house.


If you find a fry on the floor and you don’t share it with me, we can’t be friends. Don’t touch me. Monster.


Nut allergies are proof that trees are taking their revenge after generations of us stealing their young.


[new coffee shop]

barista: name?
me: Pru
b: order for Prune!

m: Pru. P-R-U
b: Poo!



“I was so high that I cried because I realized that snakes are just tails with faces”


Six Flags: *opens first theme park

Five Flags: We should have seen this coming


“This is not working out.”

-My trainer, watching me work out


[during sex]
Him: it’d be nice if you were a little more enthusiastic
Me: *pulls out giant foam finger*