Accidentally pushed the premium gas button and now I’m worried my car is high.
Jesus is all like eat my body, drink my blood and I’m all like dude, I only like you as a friend.
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HOT LOCAL MOMS IN YOUR AREA ARE WAITING TO TUCK U IN & WILL BE CHECKING THAT TOOTHBRUSH SO GET IN THERE & DO IT RIGHT MISTER
Boy George: Do You Really Want To Hurt Me?
2020: Haha you have no idea.
HER: I love a man who likes to get a little crazy.
ME: *trying to impress* I’m a psychopath.
BREAKING: Girls go to college to get more knowledge. Boys go to Jupiter to get more stupider. Boys killed instantly by lack of oxygen.
How was I supposed to know unleashing 342 cats in a club would turn to bone-chilling horror the instant the disco balls started up?
PARENTING TIP: Never, at any time or under any circumstance, say yes.
8 out of 10 ladies at a karaoke bar who sing,“I Will Survive,” are hoping the enemies who wronged them are in the audience.
Regular naps prevent old age, especially if you take them while driving…
Def Leppard: Pour some sugar on me.
Definite Leopard: Place precisely two teaspons of sugar directly in my hand.