@VerifiedDrunk

Jesus is all like eat my body, drink my blood and I’m all like dude, I only like you as a friend.

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@ADifGuy

Accidentally pushed the premium gas button and now I’m worried my car is high.

@Bownuggets

HOT LOCAL MOMS IN YOUR AREA ARE WAITING TO TUCK U IN & WILL BE CHECKING THAT TOOTHBRUSH SO GET IN THERE & DO IT RIGHT MISTER

@DudeMass

Boy George: Do You Really Want To Hurt Me?

2020: Haha you have no idea.

@dafloydsta

[first date]

HER: I love a man who likes to get a little crazy.

ME: *trying to impress* I’m a psychopath.

@jwoodham

BREAKING: Girls go to college to get more knowledge. Boys go to Jupiter to get more stupider. Boys killed instantly by lack of oxygen.

@batkaren

How was I supposed to know unleashing 342 cats in a club would turn to bone-chilling horror the instant the disco balls started up?

@KentWGraham

PARENTING TIP: Never, at any time or under any circumstance, say yes.

@Lisabug74

8 out of 10 ladies at a karaoke bar who sing,“I Will Survive,” are hoping the enemies who wronged them are in the audience.

@FunnyMojoJojo

Regular naps prevent old age, especially if you take them while driving…

@thepaulahunt

Def Leppard: Pour some sugar on me.

Definite Leopard: Place precisely two teaspons of sugar directly in my hand.