Jesus is all like eat my body, drink my blood and I’m all like dude, I only like you as a friend.
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*Walks in late to dinner*
I see fed people.
I don’t understand why people climb mountains. I literally pay someone else to carry my groceries
Stop telling men beards alone will make women love them when everyone knows they need to play the guitar too.
My phone only recognizes my fingerprint if it has cheese on it
Harry Potter Diss Track
Hey Voldemort, yeah I said your name.
You’re a dude in a dress, I’m Hall of Fame.
Avada Kedavra didn’t get the job done.
You got owned by a baby, it’s over I won.
You did kill my parents, it’s true I suppose.
all I can say is where the f*%k is your nose?
I stopped carrying a grudge
Weigh me now
How many beer trucks can you “accidentally” run into before your insurance company becomes suspicious?
Walk into a pawn shop with a ponytail & a handlebar mustache & they treat you like Ray Liotta walking thru that restaurant in Goodfellas
*Throws up some gang signs*
*stabs self in eye with salad fork*Hubs: Next time you do the Macarena, put your fork down.
spent the day in the woods trying to distract the deer hunters. shocked at the things I’d do just to save a few bucks
Not to brag but my boss gave me a certificate of achievement and he said it’s much more prestigious than a pay raise.
Ticks are pests.
People pay money to get them removed.But on Twitter, people pay to get them placed.
Apparently “I had a lovely chat with the tomatoes while weeding the garden yesterday” doesn’t count when your therapist asks you about your social interactions since the last session.
Can’t believe I went on a date with someone who did a background check on me and casually spent the rest of the night reciting facts about me to me, and then proceeded to continue going out with him.
[runs up to a group of people]
ME: ZACK ATTACK
GUY: lol is your name zack or—
[thousands of bros crest a nearby hill]
ME: [whispering] RUN
In 6th grade I had an ugly pimple on my nose that left a scar and I told my friend I got bitten by a spider…dude called me Batman because he didn’t know shit about comics
One day you’re partying until last call and then before you know it you’re genuinely upset when someone parks in front of your house
If Nostradamus had been any good he’d have called his book of prophecies ‘Predictive Text’.
A smart woman knows when to give up and walk away
A southern woman has a shotgun and a shovel named give up and walk away
Auto correct changed “Help” desk to “Hell” desk and man, it got that right.
When do I get to find my nice Canadian girl to settle down with and have flannel babies?
Thailand started 2020 with a major plastic bag ban so now Thais have made it a trend to put their shoppings in random things & i’m living for it LMFAO
According to HR, I have “a tendency to rub some people the wrong way”, which is disappointing, cuz I was aiming for ALL of ‘em.
My dog is dreaming. Based on the noises and twitches coming from him… he’s fighting off a Korean Chef.
I’m sorry sir, your wife didn’t make it.
Was it *sniff* the lack of prayers on Facebook?
Yes sir, I’m afraid it was.
The cheapest workout for your core is standing on the train without holding onto anything.
Hiking is useful if you like the outdoors, fitness, or finding new and interesting places to dispose of bodies
If they ever reboot Grease, it must be directed by M. Night Shama-lamma-ding-dong.
*peeking out the curtains, sighing heavily* Honeyyyy we’ve got sexy singles in our area again
*getting the broom*
Shoo! Shoo! Terry, you have to stop leaving hard seltzers on the porch, it attracts them,