@VerifiedDrunk

Jesus is all like eat my body, drink my blood and I’m all like dude, I only like you as a friend.

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@Ygrene

When I die, please put my dead body on a roller coaster but don’t buckle me in

@dave_cactus

I told a server I’m going to New York this weekend, so when I left he said “have a good time in New York!” and I said “you too!” so long story short, he’s coming to New York with me.

@KentWGraham

I don’t understand how God can have Ten Commandments for the whole world, and my wife can have 152 just for our house.

@Wakenbake77

If you find a fry on the floor and you don’t share it with me, we can’t be friends. Don’t touch me. Monster.

@McGrumpenstein

Nut allergies are proof that trees are taking their revenge after generations of us stealing their young.

@prufrockluvsong

[new coffee shop]

DAY 1
barista: name?
me: Pru
b: order for Prune!

DAY 2
m: Pru. P-R-U
b: Poo!

DAY 3
m: JANE… MY NAME’S JANE

@TheTimeIGotHigh

“I was so high that I cried because I realized that snakes are just tails with faces”

@WheelTod

Six Flags: *opens first theme park

Five Flags: We should have seen this coming

@dumbbeezie

“This is not working out.”

-My trainer, watching me work out

@Ideal_Victoria

[during sex]
Him: it’d be nice if you were a little more enthusiastic
Me: *pulls out giant foam finger*