Jesus is all like eat my body, drink my blood and I’m all like dude, I only like you as a friend.
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I bet you’re all super stoked about election year coming up
I remember when hashtag meant it was your turn to fill the pipe.
Me: *Trying to experiment in bed*
Her: *looking up from her book* What’s with the lab coat?
It’s wildly known that all the great artists of the renaissance era loved eating pizza in sewers.
[Me chasing 12 greyhounds round a race track]
YOU’LL GET TIRED EVENTUALLY. THEN I WILL PET YOU!
Celebrities, they’re just like us, except they drink wine and insult each other from their private island
Knuckle tats:
(M)(Y)(P)(A)(R)(E)(N)(T)(S)
(W)(E)(R)(E)(R)(E)(L)(A)(T)(E)(D)
therapist: your chart says you identify as a narcissist?
me: no no, i said arsonist
therapist: ok great, I’ll correct that now
me: the best arsonist this world has ever seen
not to brag but i don’t need alcohol to send texts i’ll regret
why would tinder want me to say this
I’ve seen almost 400 kung-fu and wuxia movies over the past three years, so when I say I’ve never seen a fight like this before, it’s not hyperbole
(Drunken Dragon/Exciting Dragon – dir. Chiu Chung-Hing, 1985)
My refrigerator died. In lieu of flowers, a new fridge would be nice.
I was lifeguarding and a little boy threw his ball out of the water and his mom goes “maybe if you ask the pretty lifeguard she will grab the ball for you!” This kid looked me dead in the eye and goes “…..where’s the pretty one?” KIDS ARE RUTHLESS LMAO
a cute boy moved in next door and his bedroom window is across from mine, I hope this doesn’t turn into a coming of age film.
Funny how bullies only bully people who are susceptible to bullying.
They don’t bully people who’d throat punch em without thinking twice.
Perms are just rad skateparks for lice.
That’s me in the corner, that’s me in the spotlight,
Begging for my cat’s attention
doing your own taxes
*leaving a wedding*
me: her dress was really beautiful
husband: whose?
me:
husband:
me: the…the bride’s
“HOW” – dyslexic owl
Sorry, baby. My phone number is older than you.
me: *summoning the hot dog demon by nailing a shitload of hot dogs to the wall in the shape of a pentagram*
hot dog demon: not you again
My brother-in-law: what’s your kittens names?
My 10yo: Jinx and Jingles.
BIL: Which one is the black one?
10yo: that one. *points to black kitten*
me at age 5: if I get a million dollars ill buy a yacht and 14 trampolines
me at age 25: if I get a million dollars ill go to the dentist and pay for express shipping on stuff
Perhaps Nicki Minaj just lost a series of bets.
I didn’t realize how much I loved Ben Franklin until my son said “all he did was invent electricity concepts with that kite and key” – I said HE INVENTED SO MUCH MORE, YOU TAKE THAT BACK
*Takes one earbud out*
*Hears kids fighting*
*Puts earbud back in*
If I see a parked car with one of those stick figure family things, I always add a sticker of myself to it and then just wait in the car.
When I said that you’d always have a place to stay in rough times, I meant like a motel or a shelter. Anyway … You can’t stay here.
Wife: Will he still able to play the accordion?
Doc: Ma’am, your husband has no brain function whatsoever
Wife: So yes then