@DumbConfessions

Jesus: “Is it time for the second coming yet dad?”

God: “I’ll just give Kanye the Holy Spirit. Already thinks he’s me.”

Both: “LOLOLOLOL”

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@LoveNLunchmeat

You can try to take off my granny panties, but they’ll just grow back stronger.

@Parkerlawyer

People that don’t tweet for months and then show up like nothing happened…

Was it jail? I bet it was jail.

@Marlebean

Sorry I spilled fruit punch all over the white carpet at your baby shower, I was helping you practice.
*Poops in my pants*
Get used to it.

@tsm560

I was all set to seize the day but this anti-seizure medication is a lot stronger than I thought.

@SnarkyMommy78

“No use crying over spilled milk” was coined by someone who didn’t have a 3yo who played with her milk. They didn’t have to deal with asking the 3yo to stop playing with her milk. And they def didn’t have to clean the spilled milk.

So you’re damn right I cried over spilled milk.

@OhNoSheTwitnt

“Where do babies comes from?”

Well, son, when a man and a woman love each other very much they make poor decisions.

@AimeeHelene1

Me: Well…my zipper broke.
HR: You still have to wear pants.
Me: *in my underwear*
Honestly I don’t see what the issue is.
*crosses legs*

@LoveNLunchmeat

I miss being a kid and playing cowboys and Indians. Now whenever I chase people around with a tomahawk I get arrested.

@geowizzacist

*Takes our kid away so my wife can have a break*

*Takes kid to pub*

*Bumps into wife at pub*

@NewDadNotes

God: you’re a jellyfish.

Jellyfish: nice.

God: you have no bones.

Jellyfish: ok.

God: and no brain.

Jellyfish: oh.

God: you’re like 95% water and 5% venom.

Jellyfish:

God: you’re H2OhNo lol.