Me, a mature adult: hee hee that football announcer said “reach around and squeeze it from the back”.
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the woman at the tire store told me today to “come back in a week and get my nuts re-torqued”, without even a hint of a smile on her face
[sitting down next to a stranger at a minor league baseball game] that looks great. who’s your hot dog guy
Goldfish crackers are the best snack for teaching kids it’s ok to eat your pets.
My toddler only has 3 words, but she can already argue with me.
bank robber: everyone on the ground and drop whatever is in your hands!!
me: [holding a $9 Starbucks coffee, a tear rolls down my cheek] no
February 27th, 2020.
I’m 44 years old, standing on the roof, in 40mph winds, of the largest supplier of calamari in the United States…fighting off psychotic seagulls with a broom.
Never give up on your dreams, kids.
“It wasn’t such a GOOD FRIDAY for Jesus, if you think about it.” -Every youth pastor today.
Sorry, I didn’t mean to text you a graphic description of my explosive diarrhea. Stupid autocorrect.
Everyone’s a gangster until the grocery store switches their aisles around.
I love how girls say that they like a guy with a sense of humour and yet you’ll never find a poster of Mr Bean on their wall.
[girl at a restaurant starts choking on her food]
me: [to the waitress] I’ll have what she’s having 😉
MOM: sleep tight, don’t let the bedbugs bite 🙂
KID: ok[later]
BEDBUG: arrgh I can’t bite him
OTHER BEDBUG: curses, he is sleeping too tightly
Shout out to coworkers that wait until the final 5 minutes of a meeting to ask 20 questions. We all hate you
If you were thinking of having kids, just know my 5 yr old daughter is upset and crying because her 3 yr old sister likes the same color as her.
Threads is like Adibas trainers or a Bolex watch
At least we don’t have to wear pants anymore.
“OK…that Trust Exercise didn’t go exactly according to plan. Once we dispose of the bodies let’s keep quiet about this…AS A TEAM!”
Transform chocolate into a balanced meal by eating it standing on one leg WITHOUT falling over. Chocolate yoga: it’s the next big thing.
My dog barks for 2 reasons:
1. When somewhere in the world another dog is barking.
2. When somewhere in the world no other dog is barking.
Went to my niece’s elementary school field day last week.
I won every single event.
Every. Single. Event.
I can’t believe that somebody abandoned this perfectly good clothes rack.
Always crush and snort your first pill on the pharmacy counter to make sure they’re not passing you some fake shit.
Sorry I used the word flaccid twice in your wedding toast.
“My leg’s been hurting for 20 years.”
* my 6yr old who exaggerates and is also bad at math
ME (age 32): I never had many friends growing up idk why
ME (age 12): I hope my baby legs fall out soon so my adult legs can grow in
Conversations with my pets:
Me: Please could you
Dog: OF COURSE!
Me: I haven’t said what it
Dog: I LOVE YOU!Me: Please could you
Cat: No.
Them: How many calories do you eat each day?
Me: Usually 1500, sometimes 10,000.
roses are red
violets are blue
the jerk store called
theyre running out of you
I received a lovely Valentine’s Card from a secret admirer. I suspect it’s the one I sent to myself with my handwriting disguised, but it’s a nice thought on my part, and I appreciate it, although unfortunately I’m not really my type, so the relationship won’t go anywhere.
Texted daughter “I’m going to take a nap” and autocorrect changed it to “come inside and scream like a banshee.”