@DumbConfessions

Jesus: “Is it time for the second coming yet dad?”

God: “I’ll just give Kanye the Holy Spirit. Already thinks he’s me.”

Both: “LOLOLOLOL”

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@djdarrellripley

Me: Let’s go outside & make love in the rain.

Her: What if there’s lightning?

Me: Then you get to be on top…

@tesselatrix

I love when the GrubHub delivery drivers try to look sexy in their profile pics… Like, I don’t know what you think is going to happen, but I’ll be honest, I want my pizza far more than I’ll ever want you.

@Book_Krazy

[Doctors appt]

Me: *getting weighed in the hall* this is so embarrassing. You really should put the scale in the patient’s room.

Doctor: well most people don’t get naked.

@robesman

in 2016 if i walk in to your place and ask for the wifi password and you give me a paper with 26 letters and numbers i’m leaving

@sofarrsogud

[Being dragged out of my movie club] Oh and by the way ‘The Hills’ only has one i.

@thewritertype

If I had a bitcoin for every time someone tried to explain bitcoins to me I’d have a lot of bitcoins, and no idea what to do with them.

@junejuly12

Maybe the caveman who discovered fire was wearing corduroys and running late for a meeting.

@OBiiieeee

Took a poop without my phone. Had no idea what to do with my hands. Did the Macarena. What a day.