Jesus: Listen guys, why has someone written ‘nail appointment’ in my diary?
Judas: No idea, J. No idea.
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Is a rivalry between 2 vegetarians still called Beef?
Me: I’ve joined a 12-step program.
Friend: That’s great. What are you trying to get off of?
Me: The treadmill very quickly
Now whenever a kid draws a Rectangle they have to pay Apple a dollar.
Remember when getting a babysitter for the night meant ordering a pizza and 20 bucks and not 25 an hour and not asking about their ankle monitor
If you’re not sure if a woman is pregnant or not, go ahead and ask her how far along she is in order to clear things up
[arriving in hell]
me: i didn’t know i’d have to wear what i died in forever
satan: where did you even find denim underwear
Welcome to Twitter.
Here are your stones. Your glass house will be assigned to you momentarily.
Say it with flowers.
If that doesn’t work, say it with arson.
Today was old man training day for the boy. Lunch was pickled eggs and sandwiches and we talked about the weather. Then, over a dinner of chowder we complained about the music kids these days are listening to and then we had pie and coffee in complete silence.
Just got an email from dominoes said “easy and delicious” they sure know how to talk to a single guy!
It’s -45° and my polar bear won’t start.
Twitter: yo don’t say stimulus say stimmy
Me: hey did u hear taylor won another gramulus
People ask me what my secret is to losing weight and I tell them not having money to buy food
My dog has been sleeping on the floor right below me so if I get off the couch he knows that I’ve moved. He’s been lying there for 5 hours. We’re both dedicated to our lifestyles
My daughter now associates height with age and refuses to believe I could be older than someone that’s 5’5”
[First Date]
Me: I’ll just have a salad.
[Second Date]
Me: *on table, hunched over like four plates of nachos, hissing* My precioussss.
saw some family i haven’t seen in 30 yrs & now i’m good for another 30 yrs
them: says here you’ll be dueling aaron bear
alexander hamilton: lol that’s funny typo
*distant roar*
alexander hamilton: wait.
Her: My name is Katherine but you can call me Bunnie!
Me: No, Katherine. I don’t believe I can.
yea so i messed up lol
I thought I was getting myself a new couch but apparently I was getting my dog a new bed
If I ever get pregnant, I’m dying my hair green & getting more tattoos, so when the kid rebels he’ll go to a good college & become a doctor.
Whoever said that collectively women are the fair sex obviously didn’t understand the meaning of fair, or women, or maybe even sex…
3yo stood in front of the electric door at the grocery store, kicking it and shouting, “Dammit! Open! Why does no one listen to me?”
I think she’s ready to be a parent now.
Detective slams his hands flat on the table:
You need to tell us what you know!Me: I don’t gossip.
Shout out to my kids.
BECAUSE SHOUTING IS THE ONLY WAY THEY HEAR ME.
*chad kroeger walks through metal detector at airport*
TSA agent: I’ve never seen this low of a reading
The holidays are always tough on me….
One year for Christmas , I made a gingerbread house that wasn’t up to code & it collapsed on a tiny, little gingerbread family.
Still haunts me.
90% of my vocabulary is comprised of words I’m hoping you don’t realize I made up.
Marie Kondo Vs. Hoarders
“Do these 370 cats bring you joy?”
“Yes. Get out!”