@Bob_Heller

Jesus loves me. This I know.

For my neighbor told me so.

Jesus is a Puerto Rican that lives two doors down.

I’m flattered…but straight.

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@Mikecanrant

Whoever named them “urinal cakes” has grossly underestimated my love for cake.

On a side note, what is the strongest toothpaste available?

@lanyardigan

End any argument with a baby by saying “Well, at least my arms are longer than my head.” YA GOT SMOKED, BABY

@Reverend_Scott

GOD: This one is a giraffe.

ANGEL: That’s a long neck. They must make loud noises-

GOD: They have no vocal chords.

ANGEL: Dude… come on

@chilldadpalguy

name a hurricane “Jesus” cuz then u could say “Jesus is coming” & have unaware ppl frantically prepare for rapture

@sophielou

Before Instagram:
Omg you should have seen how the parsley was placed to the left of my grilled chicken thigh

@Chumpstring

When I found out Carl was a beekeeper I stopped loaning him bees.

@littlekitnerboy

Id like to thank the Walmart cashier for making me feel like big money. I guess you don’t see many $20 bills, glad you made sure its legit.

@TheHyyyype

law professor: you’re currently failing your ethics class

me: *slides a $20 across the desk* how about now