Jesus: man shall not live by bread alone
Me: *mouthful of cheese* halleluryurrr
You Might Also Like
[phone call]
Prank caller: Hi, I’d like to speak to Agood Boi
Receptionist: who’s Agood Boi?
Prank caller: lol *tail goes nuts*
Me:”The store didn’t have any bread so I brought flour”
Wife:”If they didn’t have butter would you buy a cow”
*sound of hooves in kitchen*
Uh, guys… I just heard from my doctor, and it’s bad news. If you’ve retweeted me recently, you should really go get yourself checked out.
Breaking news:
I’m so unpopular at school they call me “Batteries”.
I’m never included in anything.
[baker’s school admissions test] what number comes after 11
Here’s one of the dumbest thoughts I’ve ever had: I got a coupon for a new car wash place, which was great because my car was really dirty. I noticed that the address was close to my house and thought: “Oh, this is close. Maybe I can just walk?”
ME: but I got to the buffet before anyone else
MANAGER: that’s not how the first responder discount works
Interviewer: We noticed a gap in your employment.
Me: Yes, that’s why I’m here. I need a job.
Interviewer: I’m sorry. Please come back when you already have a job.
I hate when I order too large a portion of ribs that it tips my car over and my modern stone age family has to get back home on foot.
It’s so hot that my thermostat says “Idris Elba”.
Me: I choose Truth!
Him: What is the most time wasting app on your phone?
Me: …I choose Dare!
HBO login: password must contain at least 8 characters, a number, an emoji, your college roommate’s maiden name, and a hieroglyph.
ATM: just any 4 numbers.
Looking for a job on Craigslist. A guy wants to pay $150 to borrow a valid driver’s license to rent a car. What could possibly go wrong?
Priest: what do you think is the biggest thing keeping you from heaven right now?
Me: death, probably
God: Hmm now where did I leave that fish? It couldn’t possibly have grown legs and walked away
Darwin: lol ur not gonna believe this
I put “the rap” in therapy.
Yo, yo.
Emotional baggage, bitter like cabbage. Rollin up the green like a Hulked out savage. Burger, Inc.
My wife told me we had a Lent calendar.
So I asked her when we had to return it.
I am officially old enough to have to put on glasses to find my pants
me on the way to work having not cooked anything in at least three weeks: shit, did i turn off the stove?
it’s a van. how do they not know this
I want to open a shelter for neglected and forgotten passwords.
I bet the first person that “domesticated” a cat totally regretted it
Hand dryers are a great way to see how your hands look while skydiving.
Patient: What is this?! Are you playing stupid with me girly?!
Me: I don’t play stupid
*slams fist on table* I EXCEL AT IT
Patient, now panicking: Wait what?
*captain over the PA*:
and if you look out your window to the left, you’ll see Jerry, who is no longer my best friend, and deserves this.
me: sweet chainmail
knight: thanks tell six of your friends or I’ll kill you
If there’s a zombie apocalypse, I’m becoming a zombie.
Walking around doing nothing & eating non-stop seems like a pretty sweet deal to me.
Me: read me my Miranda rights
Cop: you have a right to be the smart one. You have a right to finally realize Steve is the one for you. If you do not have a Steve, one may be provided for you
Me: now read me my Samantha rights
Cop [sighs]: you have a right to be the sexy one…
I don’t know, guys. The whole “play dead when a bear attacks” thing sounds suspiciously like something the bears would come up with…