*Jesus multiplies a loaf of bread for the masses*
From the back: Actually I’m gluten free now.
Jesus: ughhh, someone get me a fish
You Might Also Like
Caught my girlfriend having sex with an abstract artist. He said “it’s not what it looks like”
Samurai holding sword: now we fight to the death
Me nervously clicking pen on: they better be right about this
I knew she’d be trouble the minute she walked into my office, stumbled, knocked over the hat rack, then somehow got her feet entangled in my trench coat and, arms whirling like propellers as she tried to stay upright, sent my bourbon bottle flying, which spilled and ignited, then
I hope you catch the bouquet at my funeral.
Yeah, well, I didn’t exactly want to be late for work today either but it’s not like hot wings can shave themselves out of chest hair.
To cut a long story short, play your audiobook on triple speed.
My long legs mean I can emerge gracefully from an SUV. After that, every step looks like I was just released from a zero gravity experiment.
“Wtf it’s been 3 hours”
– me, drunk, waiting for a pizza I never ordered
Dating is so easy. You just ask someone out and they say no
Me My dog
If you ever want your kids to communicate with you, just make sure you’re talking to someone else on the phone.
I’ll probably stop watching “The Crown,” now that I know how it ends.
Me: I need to finish the semester strong
Friend: hey
Me: u right, I should skip class tomorrow
On the Hot Wheels isle helping a friend pick out a sweet Corvette that she promised her 18yo for graduation. Life’s all about the wording.
I sleep with a knife under my pillow just in case someone breaks in my house with cake.
In about five years when a kindergarten teacher is taking attendance and calls out Thanos at least eight boys will say “here.”
[taco bell 2am]
*lethally stoned*
me: “nine cheesy crunchy chupacabras”
Things will get butter, keep churning
Me: What do you want for your birthday?
12yo: I don’t know
Me, jokingly: Drugs?
12yo: Nah, too expensive
Me:
The proctologist told me to drop my pants so I did what any good listener from the 80s did
Wife: Yelling stranger danger hysterically was a bit much though
I want you to know that whatever problems you’re having I’m hear to ‘like’ them. 🙃
Carol from Facebook said she’s “taking it one day at a time,” so I responded “me too. That’s how days work.”
There’s a woman sitting by herself in the booth next to me at a restaurant and has answered 3 calls and ended all 3 by telling them her movie is about to start. I’m not sure if I should use my batman voice to tell her I LOVE YOU PLEASE BE MY LIFE COACH
If Sesame Street really cared about children they’d realize Big Bird could feed a hungry family for a month.
“Don’t bite the hand that feeds you” maybe just don’t bite hands. Shouldn’t have to qualify it
Do I want to change career and uproot my entire life or is it just 6pm on a Sunday
guard your heart, cater to no man’s ego, honor your own time and your energy, don’t use uber. happy 2015.
It is officially too cold for Canadians to pretend liking cold weather is part of our cultural identity
I hate it when I gain 10 pounds for a role and then realize I’m not even an actor.
*throws away a paper clip I haven’t used in 20 years*
[2 seconds later]
Shit I need a paper clip