@Jmboyd58

*Jesus multiplies a loaf of bread for the masses*

From the back: Actually I’m gluten free now.

Jesus: ughhh, someone get me a fish

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@telizs3

Is it wrong to laugh at the clerk who asked if I wanted a 2-year warranty on an electronic toy my kid will lose interest in in 2 weeks?

@alexlumaga

Oh really? I swallow eight spiders a year in THEIR sleep

@gneicco

My Twitter account would benefit from a breathalyzer-activated password.

@Lhlodder

6-year-old: I’m laughing cause your laugh makes me laugh. Your joke’s not funny though.

That stung.

@NOTVIKING

the spice girls: tell me what you want what you really really want

you, dumb: to be your lover

me, smart: a dirtbike

@amybethlee70

I read an article today about a cat who saved his owner’s life. I’m still trying to teach mine not to vomit hairballs on my bed.

@daemonic3

[rolls down car window]

“Sir there’s a baby on your roof!”

Wait, if the baby is there… [sees coffee strapped in car seat]
Oh thank god!

@Shade510

Shank you.

– a prison flick…or a grateful Sean Connery

@Shade510

Me: Whoa…What are you doing?

Wife: I’m donating some of your books…They’re just taking up space.

Me: You don’t get rid of books…besides half of those aren’t even colored yet.

Her:

@OutNumbMother

Homeschooling day 1: trying to get this kid transferred out of my class.