Jesus must’ve had a fortune if he paid for all my sins
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One night stands just make more sense for single people. Why would you need a night stand on both sides of the bed?
“Let’s play 21 questions”
Nigerian Girl: how tall are you?
Nigerian Guy: Rice. What’s the worst thing you’ve done with a guy?
My 6yo is chanting all the words that rhyme with sucker and this is going to end badly in about 3 seconds
“Steak and Shake” great burgers and also a good way to kill baby vampires.
When I was young I really thought that people in their 40s were old and now that I’m in my 40s I can say that I was right
Marry someone who loves Hawaiian pizza so you can just get your own good tasting pizza all to yourself.
[at gym]
Him: How much do you bench?
Me: Way less than I couch.
I got a car wash 5 days ago and it hasn’t rained yet. Who broke the weather?
(First Day as an Interior Decorator)
ME: I’m not sure this giant cross is right for this space.
PRIEST: Again, this is a church.
Buy her a new cauldron. Keep her broom in good repair. Maintain a robust collection of eye of newt.
Witches love that.
snowmen are one of the cutest things about humanity tbh. like oh it snowed? why don’t we make a little guy about it
Sometimes if you say “Wow, you’re tall!” to a tall person they realize they’re tall for the first time and thank you with cash
If you’d just let me explain, you’d be even angrier.
[at restaurant]
Table for two please.
“Do you have reservations?”
Yes, this place looks like a dump but I’m hungry.
Her: You secretly think you’re the most clever one in the room, don’t you.
Me: Secretly? No.
Your call is very important to us. So please enjoy this 40 minute flute solo.
“I just don’t understand why everyone is so worried about the quarantine weight gain. With proper diet, you can drop pounds in a few hours!”
*Gas station attendant nods*
“Anyway, I’ll take that sushi from last month, thanks”
The postman told me he’s off to Spain tomorrow so I asked was he going to Parcelona and he ignored what I believe to be my best joke of 2014
Be the reason why your local woods are haunted.
Falling in love makes you do stupid things. Once I even got married.
*Starts new job*
Co-worker: Hello
Me: How much was yo first check? 🧐😂
me: *keeps bumping the back of my hand against his trying to get him to hold mine*
death: quit it
Americans will literally use anything BUT the metric system.
Me: Uh oh there’s my ex girlfriend. Quick, will you hold my hand so I can make her jealous?
Great grandma: No.
CONTRACTOR: it’s a small leak you just need a plumber
BOWSER: castle’s ruined boys we’re moving!
[torturing terrorist]
[plays EDM]
[beat rises]
[beat keeps rising]
[beat rises endlessly]
Terrorist: MAKE IT DROP I’LL TELL U ANYTHING
Genuinely stunned France has adopted the word “wifi” rather than “le signal librement accessible sans l’utilisation de fils” or some shit.
The bad news is your life flashes before your eyes a lot once your teenagers start driving. The good news is you can have that margarita at lunch.
SURGEON: *cutting open patient’s torso*
NURSE: sir, what are you doing?! this is a knee replacement!
SURGEON: there’s a Pokémon in there
[at the general store]
me: one general please