@capnwatsisname: Jesus: my child, when there was only one set of footprints, Fred Flintstone was driving.
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@david8hughes: Barista: can I get a name? Me: sure, you can be “ugly coffee maker man” Barista: no for you Me: I’ll be “handsome coffee drinker guy”
@withanewname: *installs google translate* *looks at Arabic tweets for jokes to steal* *finds half my tweets doing better than mine*
@FilthyRichmond: Hey kids! Make your voice heard this election day by hiding your parents identification! (Not applicable in some states)
@ThugRaccoons: Boss: You’ve really raised the bar around here. Me: Thank you. Boss: The customers can’t reach their drinks you moron.