@capnwatsisname: Jesus: my child, when there was only one set of footprints, Fred Flintstone was driving.
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@LoveNLunchmeat: The best way to open a stubborn jar is to take a deep breath and recite an ancient Wiccan incantation.
@KKBowls: "I know what you look like naked" - me to my girlfriends identical twin sister, every single time I see her.
@NewDadNotes: [at ultrasound] Wife: omg so what is it? Me: it’s a baby. Wife: I know that. Me: then why did you ask? Wife: Doctor: yes then why did you ask?
@dimplesticks: One of my biggest fears is going to America and asking for a biscuit only to be presented with some weird scone type thing and gravy