Jesus: my child, when there was only one set of footprints, Fred Flintstone was driving.
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I took a picture of a kid’s chest x-ray to show the family (he had pneumonia). I showed the kid and he gasped. Then in an awestruck voice he said, “I have a skeleton.”
People have sex without music playing? How do you know when to change partners?
I’ll sleep when I’m dead but also every night so I don’t die.
Wife: My water broke!
Me: I’ll call the plumber
Wife: My baby’s coming!
Me: I’m sorry, since when is the plumber your “baby”?
Look, we’ve all dreamed of seeing a car caught on a rising bollard. Don’t pretend you haven’t.
Incredible customer service.
me, after any kind of buffet.
not being able to fall asleep is so embarrassing. All I’m asking my brain to do is nothing and it can’t even do that?
LIFE HACK: Make your waist feel dramatically smaller by accidentally trying on maternity pants.
*gets hit by car*
me: it’s ok buddy can happen to anyone*friend says I’ll call you right back and doesn’t*
me: there can be no forgiveness for this
My 5yo, asserting his independence on the last day of school by coming downstairs dressed in fleece pants on a 90 degree day. I’m sweating just looking at him.
The husband wants me to stay on twitter more because I can’t buy shoes here.
I’m an ass man, myself. 100% ass. Made of ass & butts & that’s it. This thing that looks like a face? Ass. These fists? Little butts. Hi.
I’ve dated a depressed lawyer and a manic musician, but now I’m dating an emotionally stable psychic. He’s wonderful. A happy medium.
Man, people are taking spring cleaning extra seriously this year.
If Reese’s eggs are buy one get one free, there are 0 calories associated with the free one. Live free my friends.
My ex texted “You’ve got a friend in me. XoXo”.
I thought she was being too nice until I realized that she was talking about my buddy Dave.
People ask what personal grooming products I use. I just get whatever is on offer in the supermarket, so this week cat food & grapes.
I was just doing a show, and I thanked the audience for coming out during the Game Of Thrones premiere, and one guy went: “Oh no! Oh shit!”
There’s panic and then there’s can’t-find-your-tampon-string-panic.
I’m only watching the royal wedding for the bishop. I’ve always wanted to see a person who only moves diagonally.
Leo: Your natural selfishness will play to your advantage today when you spot a donut in the hands of a child you could easily overpower.
When you go to the zoo, one person in your party is required to wear a safari hat. It doesn’t have to be you, but if you’re lucky, it will be.
me: *tries to befriend another human being*
another human being: oh, no thank you
Let your kids play tetris all day so they develop the required skills to park at Trader Joe’s.
In an alternate universe the hard way is always learning me
*sees a racoon in the neighbor’s trash*
I won’t say anything if you don’t.
*continues rummaging*
During a natural disaster be sure to keep your phone with you at all times. You never know when you might think of a joke to tweet.
You: I’m so hard on myself.
People on the internet: Hold my beer.
Ernest Hemingway buys a pair of shoes mail order, but accidentally orders in a baby’s size. He tries to sell them, but no one understands