Jesus: My God, why have you forsaken me?
God: Lighten up drama queen.
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[playing frisbee with my dog]
Me [out of breath]: boy, you’re a lot heavier than I thought
Popular Mathematics makes math easier to understand! #FallonTonight
Me: can I start calling him 3.5 yet?
Wife: do you even know his name anymore?
Me: yes wife of course I know his name.
The Internet is like my My Brain – filled with shopping and porn
In Canada at our Black Friday sales we fight to see who gets to hold the door open for others.
just once i’d like to lay in bed nude and drink a cup of tea without an art class trying to paint my portrait
They say you will eat around 23 spiders in your life, but really you can eat as many as you want. Treat yourself, you deserve it.
[two coworkers walk into my office]
Coworkers: Hey! It’s your two favorite people here to ask you a question!
Me: Where?
Fact: Chihuahuas shake so much because their blood is two thirds Red Bull.
INTERVIEWER: u put “vodka” as a reference
ME: oh I thought it said preference
Banker: I understand you’d like to apply for a student loan?
Me: Yes. Preferably one that’s good at math.
Banker: What?
Me: What?
McDonald’s burgers always look so great in their commercials but when you actually order one it always looks like its been sat on.
Teens are like the Magic 8ball of humans, they think they have all the answers & you want to shake them because what they said was stupid.
AA Milne: Ok rabbit, we’ll call you Rabbit. Piglet, you can be Piglet
Bear: Wow, real original
AAM: [scribbles out Bear and writes Pooh]
Me: *singing* They say music is the food of love
Her: I’m not hungry
Me: how about if I scrunch down a little more
DMV Photographer: you absolutely cannot have your horse in this picture
A younger person at work was telling us she made bagels herself at home.
Impressive, until we found out that she meant buying them at the coffee shop then taking them home to toast
Me: it’s almost like if someone is interested in me I instinctively run away
Therapist: that’s interesting
Me: ok you seem nice but I gotta go
I’ve just found out that my 18-year-old keeps an eye on my Twitter account and now I’m seriously torn between doubling down on calling Ted Danson daddy or deleting my entire online identity.
I don’t need extravagant gifts for Valentine’s Day.
The only gift I need is for someone to come over & do my laundry.
Summertime: Fill up my hydration backpack with water.
Wintertime: Fill up my hydration backpack with piping hot tomato soup.
“How old are you?”
Things you say to your third child.
[to guy with his foot caught in a bear trap]
dude that things for bears
A guy I know got bitten by a radioactive bedbug. He spent 3 weeks in a coma, but when he came round again he was able to fold a fitted sheet
Your kid is old enough to drive, lady, get him out of the shopping cart.
I break it to my toddler that “L-M-N-O-P” is not one letter, but 5. And we’re going to have to learn every one of those effing bad boys. She is aghast. I calmly assure her this isn’t the first time she’ll be disappointed upon learning the “real” lyrics to a song she likes.
There are no pants in heaven.
PIGEON MAGICIAN: I want you to pick a car, any car…DONT TELL ME!.
Ok [shits on windscreen] is THIS the car you chose?
Sorry I missed your call
I was in the 17th minute of watching my daughter help her sloth toy crawl across the room to hug me
Watch out for women who talk a lot of shit about other women. In the scientific world, we refer to them as “Cuntus Maximus.”