Try to eat 70,000 small meals a day to keep your metabolism on its toes.
Jesus: My moms a virgin.
Olive Oil: Well my moms an extra virgin.
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i’m wearing a jetpack to my job interview tomorrow so if they turn me down i can disappoint everyone there by just walking out calmly
One thing you learn how to quickly do as a parent is to pretend to not have any money when you walk by vending machines.
shame on Kellyanne Conway for attempting to politicize the Bowling Green massacre, in which I was killed
I’m straight but not “get my alibi” straight.
You: Say something good about 2020
Me: Haven’t been invited to a single wedding this year.
[after giving cpr]
him: ??? ????? ?? ????
him: ???? ??? ????
me: I inhaled helium first
I was in the grocery store when Vogue came on, and while nobody could keep up with my choreography, security did let me finish the routine.
Jesus, take the wheel.
Carlos, you take the stereo & I’ll take lookout.
I’m always careful with women that do not speak to me even after the 4th date.