@GorillaNipples1

Jesus: My moms a virgin.

Olive Oil: Well my moms an extra virgin.

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@ch000ch

i’m wearing a jetpack to my job interview tomorrow so if they turn me down i can disappoint everyone there by just walking out calmly

@Cheeseboy22

One thing you learn how to quickly do as a parent is to pretend to not have any money when you walk by vending machines.

@PAPPADEMAS

shame on Kellyanne Conway for attempting to politicize the Bowling Green massacre, in which I was killed

@pondermymaker

You: Say something good about 2020

Me: Haven’t been invited to a single wedding this year.

@MarfSalvador

[after giving cpr]
him: ??? ????? ?? ????
me: lol
him: ???? ??? ????
me: I inhaled helium first

@LizHackett

I was in the grocery store when Vogue came on, and while nobody could keep up with my choreography, security did let me finish the routine.

@DzNutz83

Jesus, take the wheel.

Carlos, you take the stereo & I’ll take lookout.

@fsuflores

I’m always careful with women that do not speak to me even after the 4th date.