Just went into a women’s restroom and lifted all the toilet seats.
Jesus: My moms a virgin.
Olive Oil: Well my moms an extra virgin.
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“We like the idea, we do. We’re just afraid it’s going to keep the viewer awake.” – Sundance Channel execs
overheard my 7yo telling a friend he speaks Italian but what the friend doesn’t know is to my son speaking Italian just means shouting “ITSA ME! MARIO!”
[on an interview]
Him: What are your bartending qualifications? *sips coffee*
Me: *slides coaster under his mug as he puts it down*
Him: *spits out coffee* Holy shit
me: we found a body in the woods but it’s decayed beyond recognition
deputy: can’t you identify it using dental records
me: ordinarily we would but the town dentist has been missing for over a month now
Me: “I’d like 3 ice cubes”
Refrigerator Ice Dispenser: “Here have 19”
For Halloween I put a empty bowl outside my door with a sign that says
“please take one”
That way it looks like I actually had candy once
Me: I’ve had a breakdown.
Tow truck company: Where’s your car?
When someone tells me to have a safe flight it’s like ok I will do my best but just so you know I am not the pilot of the airplane
When it’s ok to bother me before my morning coffee:
1- I’m on fire
2- You’re on fire
3- The coffee maker is on fire
4- Something had frickin’ well better be on fire