@GorillaNipples1

Jesus: My moms a virgin.

Olive Oil: Well my moms an extra virgin.

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@timdonakowski

“We like the idea, we do. We’re just afraid it’s going to keep the viewer awake.” – Sundance Channel execs

@House_Feminist

overheard my 7yo telling a friend he speaks Italian but what the friend doesn’t know is to my son speaking Italian just means shouting “ITSA ME! MARIO!”

@squirrel74wkgn

[on an interview]

Him: What are your bartending qualifications? *sips coffee*

Me: *slides coaster under his mug as he puts it down*

Him: *spits out coffee* Holy shit

@thelateinnings

[sheriff’s office]

me: we found a body in the woods but it’s decayed beyond recognition

deputy: can’t you identify it using dental records

me: ordinarily we would but the town dentist has been missing for over a month now

@delusions_of

Me: “I’d like 3 ice cubes”

Refrigerator Ice Dispenser: “Here have 19”

@thatUPSdude

For Halloween I put a empty bowl outside my door with a sign that says

“please take one”

That way it looks like I actually had candy once

@geowizzacist

Me: I’ve had a breakdown.

Tow truck company: Where’s your car?

Me: Car?

@weismanjake

When someone tells me to have a safe flight it’s like ok I will do my best but just so you know I am not the pilot of the airplane

@PoodleSnarf

When it’s ok to bother me before my morning coffee:
1- I’m on fire
2- You’re on fire
3- The coffee maker is on fire
4- Something had frickin’ well better be on fire