Jesus: My moms a virgin.
Olive Oil: Well my moms an extra virgin.
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[holding my brain upside down, shaking out its pockets] gimme your serotonin nerd
I suspect that my cat has plans to kill me, but has just never been awake long enough to carry them out.
Advantage: human.
If a vacuum cleaner really sucks does this mean it’s good or bad?
if you’re reading my tweets and judging me by my typos I just want you to know, yes, english is my first language
I have a recording saved on my phone that it to be sent to my boss the day after I die. All I say is “So, you aren’t going to believe this but I’m going to be late.”
Professor X: What’s your power?
Me: I can turn ice into cats.
Professor X: That’s ridiculous.
Police: [busting in] You’re all under arrest!
Me: I got this!
Polecats: Sonofa…
Here at the Southern Cannibal Buffet, it’s y’all you can eat!™️
“Missed you.”
– a lover“Missed you.”
– a sniperContext is important.
My band in the 80s was the Sex Poodles. We needed Snoop Dogg.
Accidently went when it wasn’t my turn at a 4 way stop so now I have to follow this car home to apologize
my date ended up being a mannequin
i was so embarrassed at the restaurant and then at the movies
I don’t like doing the same things again so much that I can never be a serial killer.
ONLINE QUIZ: “According to your answers, the Sorting Hat says you are a: —HUFFLEPUFF—”
BIG BAD WOLF: Whaaaaaat?? That has to be the stupidest thi– oooh, I get it…
there had to be at least one guy in Troy who looked at the Trojan horse and was like “oh my god do not bring that wooden piece of shit in here”
It’s just sad how often I see zookeepers breaking their own “Don’t Feed the Animals” rule.
[ first day as a villain ]
him: hi, how are you
me: very evil, thank you
My kidneys: WE NEED WATER!!
My bladder: Don’t listen to them.
*christopre walken givig tour of apt* this is my.. walken closet. and these boots. these boots were made.. *long unecesary pause* for walken
HANNIBAL: thanks for coming over for dinner
HALF-EATEN CANADIAN: thanks for having me
Interviewer: who are these people with you?
Me: My squad.
My mom and dad: *whispering* tell him about our goals.
What’s the difference between a sweater and a jacket.
You wear a jacket when you’re cold.
You wear a sweater when your mum is cold.
#SweaterDay #RubbishJokes
Her: I’m just a vintage soul
Me: and a vintage face..That’s how the fight started
teach a man to fish and fish will hate him forever.
First person ever: I HAVE SEVERAL HOLES IN MY FACE WHAT IS HAPPENING
I miss being able to study with complete focus for hours. Now I read one sentence and check my phone to see if penguins have legs or just feet
We went to a museum and I fell in love with my kids all over again after seeing an obnoxious exhibit called other kids
her: I’m sick of you being so positive all the time. I’m leaving you
me: yes, it’s for the best
Save on air conditioning by letting ghosts infest your house.
Me: do you like my new hairstyle?
17: oh – did you do that on purpose?