You don’t shave your legs for a couple days and all of a sudden everyone’s all like way to pop the inflatable pool mom
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Apparently hitting a butterfly with my car is “not a valid reason to call 911” and I “need to grow up”
cat 911: what ur emergency
my cat: my owner just closed the bathroom door
cat 911: have u tried screaming at the top of ur lungs
Her: I love a tough guy
Me: I’ve got some scars
Her: Ooh. Show me one.
Me: [pulls up shirt and points to bellybutton] This is from when I was born
My high school girlfriend got “uses her kids as her facebook profile picture” fat.
Look, I’m not saying he’s a bad dentist. I’m just saying maybe you should check his references.
The worst part about being a grown man is no one will give you piggyback rides.
We had half a cake left from my husband’s birthday and my mother-in-law said I should wrap it and put it in the freezer for later, as if we’re not planning to eat the other half for breakfast tomorrow.
God: Any other requests?
Angel: Ooh! Do a cow in sunglasses, holding a cigarette!
God: No problem.
Me: We’re well stocked with the necessities, let’s not waste food
What my kids hear: Yayy let’s eat, every hour, like it’s a cruise buffet
Some people won’t try bacon for religious reasons. I won’t try religion for bacon reasons.
*slips seductively out of shorts*
You know what that means…
*sleeps soundly for 7 hours*
*drools a little*
I wonder if all the other popcorn kernels in the bag freak out when the first kernel pops
My husband and I are having a Fitbit competition, so every day when he leaves for work I attach mine to our dog. I’m averaging 25,438 steps a day.
Just hiked to a waterfall in the middle of Maine and halfway through as I was starting to feel super proud about doing this somewhat difficult hike by myself a 70 year old woman passed me going the other way wearing flip flops and holding a bud light.
We complain when it’s hot. We complain when it’s cold. We are such cunts. That’s why ET went home and never came back to visit.
I’m sorry I said yes when you asked if I’m a people person, I thought you said pizza.
Well, that should do it
Who’s Rudolph’s favourite pop star?
Beyon-sleigh.
#Christmas #RubbishJokes
Harry Styles sounds like a made-up name that Big Foot would use to sneak into a fashion show.
Boating season is upon us.
according to my research, maximum work from home productivity can be reached when you wear a towel all day and lie about your camera not working
Girls greet each other normally the way I’d act if I saw a friend who I thought was dead.
Tell me and I forget, teach me and I remember… involve me and we got a problem
AN OPEN LETTER TO COFFEE
Thanks.
She was like “wrong hole”, so I said “adventurous on the e-harmony profile isn’t knitting quilts Velma”, long story short I’m still single.
lowe’s manager: so…you want a job. what department should I assign you to?
me: hmm…how about the mirror aisle? I can see myself working there.
I just want to put my hair in a cute little messy bun and not look like a sumo wrestler.
A little baby Yoda in my life
A little baby Yoda by my side
A little baby Yoda is all I need
A little baby Yoda is what I seeMandalorian Number Five
*Takes your face in my hands*
*Looks deep into your eyes*
*Whispers “You make me want to spend the rest of my life avoiding you” *
[Concert finishes]
Me: *taking a bow*
Violinist: Hey, give that back