[Jesus on a blind date]
Christians: “Hmm, you seemed whiter in your profile picture”
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Stephen Fry is being investigated for blasphemous comments.
Stephen Colbert is being investigated for a joke.
LET MY STEPHENS GO! 😡
I bet they all call me paranoid behind my back?!
Me: you tellin me a shrimp fried this rice lol
Benihana Chef: ha ha
Shrimp Under Chef’s Hat: he knows too much
I wish companies would use pictures of models looking frazzled and exhausted on their websites so I can get a real idea of what their clothes will look like on me
Just finished filming my new movie, “Death on the Sidewalk.” I shot it with my car’s back-up camera.
Kid: Where do babies come from?
Me: I’ll tell you when you’re older.
Kid: Have you seen my harmonica?
Me: So when a man and a woman…
So i said to Arnie “Where did you get those toilet rolls??”
He said “Aisle B, Back.”
I often offer prayers for my parents to be smiling and happy as they look down on me from heaven, but dad says if I include it again when I’m saying Grace it will be the last time they visit for Thanksgiving.
It’s ironic that someone would take their last 5 seconds of life to call me middle aged.
Hey, Facebook. Dead people can’t read your RIP shoutouts, because death.
Me (looking up at the clock): Oh no, boys and girls we were working so hard we missed recess! I’m so sorry that I forgot.
6yo: (patting my arm) That’s ok, I think that happens when you start to get older.
Sometimes late at night, if you listen real carefully, you can hear parents removing batteries from annoying toys.
If all the good ones are taken and you are single, what does that make you?
Just saw a ‘Jesus 2020’ sign and I had no idea he was running
Doctor: *eyes wide*
Me: let me start by saying it seemed like a good idea at the time
The worst thing about marriage is how it makes you start snoring. I never snored when I was single…
Hostage: *screaming*
Mafia boss: hurry up and tape his mouth!
Me: *still trying to find the end of the tape on the roll*
I told this cashier she kinda looked like Lorde, and as I was walking out, heard the lady behind me assure her she did not look like Jesus.
Soon a hero will rise. Then he will fall again. Then he will rise and also fall. Wait. The hero is on a trampoline.
Received a DM from a dude who claimed that he knows me in real life.
I can’t guess out who he is, probably I have to kill my friends until I get him.
God grant me the witchcraft to change the things I cannot accept.
Big props to the guy who realized we don’t need to mention air in the word airplane and started saying plane.
Me: I’ll wait until the end of time for you
Her: Ok good that was my plan too
So, no one told my 13yo that spoons can’t go in the microwave.
How’s your day
Awwww finally got my nose pierced this morning.
Never fight over a bus seat with an old lady who’s knitting.
Ah, spring is here. Time to open the windows and remind my neighbors that I know every word to the “Grease” soundtrack.
Might fornicate around and use a thesaurus
Sounds like a bargain
Overheard a girl just say she’s full because she ate at 3:00. It’s 6:00. How can you stay full for THREE HOURS, alien?
Accidentally wore a red shirt and a khaki pants to Target yesterday &, long story short, I think I have been promoted to assistant manager.