Jesus [on the cross]: I hope you guys make some cool necklaces about this

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If I could pick a superpower it would be to clone myself so the other me could answer the 4,291,386 questions my 4 year old asks daily


There is nothing funnier than yelling “SHE’S STEALING MY BABY!” at a mom having a hard time with her kid in public.


“Sorry about this, but I ran out of allergy medicine and it’s spring,” I say to the frightened pharmacy clerk through my hazmat suit.


It’s raining.
I’m going to be late for work.
I can’t fit my hair in the car.


I’m never gonna tell the person I’m meeting up with that you said hi.


bill cosby’s full name is “bill sinby over tanby”


I’m my own worst enemy, but there are literally hundreds of people tied for second place.


Apparently “I don’t like scary movies,” is not an appropriate response to being asked to watch a wedding video.


The Story of Volcanos
God: Ok, how about a mountain..
Angel: We got mountains.
God: Lemme finish. That shits fire.
Angel: Metal.
*fist bump*


18: You & I are getting fat bec. u cook so damn good! IT’S.ALL.YOUR.FAULT!

I was insulted, complimented, then scolded in under 2.5 seconds.