@AndrewChamings

Jesus [on the cross]: I hope you guys make some cool necklaces about this

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@captaincoximus

If I could pick a superpower it would be to clone myself so the other me could answer the 4,291,386 questions my 4 year old asks daily

@Not_a_JesusGirl

There is nothing funnier than yelling “SHE’S STEALING MY BABY!” at a mom having a hard time with her kid in public.

@Darlainky

“Sorry about this, but I ran out of allergy medicine and it’s spring,” I say to the frightened pharmacy clerk through my hazmat suit.

@GoldenSpirals

It’s raining.
I’m going to be late for work.
I can’t fit my hair in the car.

@theNuzzy

I’m never gonna tell the person I’m meeting up with that you said hi.

@jonnysun

bill cosby’s full name is “bill sinby over tanby”

@Chumpstring

I’m my own worst enemy, but there are literally hundreds of people tied for second place.

@pungodly

Apparently “I don’t like scary movies,” is not an appropriate response to being asked to watch a wedding video.

@longwall26

The Story of Volcanos
God: Ok, how about a mountain..
Angel: We got mountains.
God: Lemme finish. That shits fire.
Angel: Metal.
*fist bump*

@Pee_And_Giggles

18: You & I are getting fat bec. u cook so damn good! IT’S.ALL.YOUR.FAULT!

I was insulted, complimented, then scolded in under 2.5 seconds.