Jesus [on the cross]: I hope you guys make some cool necklaces about this
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What idiot called them atheists instead of non-parishables?
Gave my dog a piece of sausage. He no longer cares about the economy.
She got mad because she said don’t come in the house with those dirty shoes on so I took them off, how was I supposed to know my socks were just as bad.
Forever thinking about the person 14 years ago who said earnestly (?) if they eat shrimp they get diarrhea “and vice versa.”
My phone: Would you like to save this password?
Me: I NEED TO KNOW IF IT WORKED FIRST AND YOU’RE IN MY WAY!!!
“WTF MAN?! You’re why Star Trek is better.”
*Brings Ouija board to Thanksgiving
Ouija: G O B B L E
My town had a really bad storm 2 days ago& my neighbor lost the roof of his house& the poor guy doesn’t have insurance. I’ve decided to start a gofundme to raise $ so I can go to Hawaii for a few weeks cuz he’s about to start doing construction& I hate being around all that noise
I literally have no idea what my friends had for lunch today.
At bedtime I ceremonially move the claw clip from my hair to the bag of chips, signifying the end of the day.
I’m far to under qualified for adult life and feel like I was promoted to manager far too quickly
My kid asked where babies come from and I said everywhere, man, they’re worldwide.
People think Mt. Everest is the tallest mountain in the world, but did you know it’s actually the mountain of papers my kids bring home from school every day?
I got tested this morning for Covid-19. Ouch. Those nasal swabs go deep. Jeez, buy a gal dinner first.
Oh, you’ve got a cordless vacuum? Well my house is so small I can vacuum it all from one outlet, so who’s laughing now?
I have determined there is no quiet way to get a pan out of a cabinet in the morning
waiting for halloween be like:
A fun thing to yell at a magic show is “BURN HIM, HE’S A WITCH”
Me: “Why does the date of Easter change each year?”
Priest: “It’s because of the moon”
Me: “The moon killed Jesus?”
Priest: “Yes. Yes it did”
Her: I like dogs
Me: *dies in 10-13 years*
Ice Spice v. Mice Spice
A penguin suit mysteriously arrives at work. No label. No explanation. You try it on, just for fun. When you turn to show your colleagues, you realise they’re all dressed as leopard seals. You flee.
If I ever saw a Tyrannosaurus Rex in real life , I’d be scared.
As a kid I thought a lot about growing up, getting a job and having kids, but not this job and certainly not these kids.
Walked into my home office to participate as an attorney in a Zoom hearing, and my cat was on the desk staring at the prosecutor on the Zoom screen.
THAT’S WHY YOU JOIN WITHOUT VIDEO, PEOPLE.
I’m one whole face and body rearrangement away from being Scarlett Johansson.
I seem pretty put together for a grown woman who imagines she’s traveling through a wormhole each time she pulls a turtleneck over her head.
Wife (from the other room): Rick, what time is it?
Me: It’s 3:50
Wife: Really? Or did you accidentally hit the Preheat button on the oven again?
Me: Of course not. I’m not a total idiot!
Wife: OK. Sorry.
Me: Now it’s 3:75
I still don’t understand why my boss didn’t like my idea of playing musical chairs at our next Monday meeting. He asked us for new ideas.
Doesn’t everyone lie on a first date and say they love the outdoors just like they lie in an interview and say they’re proficient at Excel?