jesus: (on the cross) you know what i could really go for right now? a hard-boiled egg
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Apparently 50% of people prefer pizza to sex. What is wrong with people? Have they never had pizza?
Me: how are you feeling about all of this?
Husband: i dunno. i feel like the cold hand of death is upon me.
Me. *pulling back my dried, shriveled, over washed hands* oh, ya, ya. sounds like you’re a goner.
My nephews were over last night and didn’t give me any tweet material so now I need new nephews.
At a business meeting:
“How about SuperCupid?”
“No, expectations will be too high”
“GreatCupid?”
“Lower”
“Uhhh, OKCupid?”
“Brilliant”
Running is so dangerous. A few years ago I sprained my ankle really badly and was on couch rest for like three weeks. You know what’s never done that to me? Resting on a couch for three weeks.
If you hide 48 eggs and tell your kids there are 50 you can get a little nap in.
Me: *telling my teen a story about a truck driving serial killer*
My teen: That would be a good job for me…being a truck driver.
Me: …
My teen: …
Me: …
My teen: NOT BECAUSE I WANT TO KILL WOMEN
It’s like my Mom always said FW: FW: FW: FW: FW: FW: FW: FW: FW: FW: FW: FW: FW: FW: FW: FW: FW: FW: FW: FW: FW: FW: FW: FW: FW: FW: FW: FW:
You can use the phrase “lickity split” as much as you want at work and they can’t fire you.
Hubs: Kids are still asleep! Know what that means?
Me: We have to be quick!
*Runs to the hidden box of Cocoa Puffs and pours 2 big bowls*
Things I’m leaving in 2021:
Telling my kids to brush their teeth. Have fun with cavities you dummies.
Hiding my snacks from kids. No you can’t have any. Get a job and buy your own.
Waiting until 5pm to drink wine. 9am rosé pairs well with another lockdown and virtual learning.
It must be hard to judge a wet t-shirt contest. I saw one recently and all the t-shirts looked equally wet.
I could tell my beard needed a trim when I started seeing some of the pictures my 6yo was drawing of me.
I shaved my legs for this, which means this doctor appointment is a date now.
Me: Look, I love you, But I made exactly the amount of cheese & crackers I want to eat right now.
Wife: But I only…
Me: EXACTLY the amount
Owner: What makes you qualified to be the new zookeeper?
Me: I found the place
Owner: So?
Me: Finders keepers
Owner: *leans back in chair* Well damn
You can choose to ignore a diarrhea joke, but you can’t outrun it.
Tonight I realized that I gaze at cheese in much the same way that first time mothers gaze at their newborns
The 7 dwarfs of allergy season…
Sniffy, Sneezy, Stuffy, Wheezy, Runny, Itchy, and Dopey.
I tuxedo what I tuxewant.
The movie ‘Up’ is utter bullshit. I tied 57,000 balloons to my house & my wife didn’t die.
Crying and holding my daughter, “look baby, she looks like us.”
Not having a date on Valentine’s Day doesn’t really worry me…
It’s those 364 other date-less days that are causing me a bit of concern.
Recipe sites be like: Here’s a recipe, but first let me recite my family history back to 1578, tell you about my silly lil’ DUI I got in college, show you 57 pictures of my dog, and complain about my no-good spouse who is cheating with the landlord
I just wrote a $1500 check for a cow, like some kind of 1930s housewife.
Straight friend: Will you sensitivity read my book for my lesbian best friend character?
Me, two weeks later: The lesbian best friend is absolutely perfect. Here’s 16 pages of notes detailing the incorrect things you said about Star Trek.
Jokes on you, I still have a stockpile of toilet paper from the Mayan Calendar Apocalypse.
Putting carrot sticks in the break room next to the cake is considered work place violence, Jim. Security will see you out.
Eggs are a healthy breakfast, which is why I don’t feel guilty eating cage free Reese’s ones.
I was inept with girls in high school. Once I tried to unhook a bra strap and accidentally made a macramé plant hanger.