Jesus: One among you will betray me.
John: No way dude.
Matthew: No way dude.
Judas: *thumbing through designer cross catalogue* Plausible.
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Yes I did run that bus full of children off the road but I was late for my LARPING championship.
I just accidentally uploaded this instead of my invoice on a company’s invoicing portal and I can’t delete it
*planning the destruction of the human race
Super Computer: I will shut down all electronic devices
Cyborgs: We will fight all resisters
Toasters: You guys are amateurs…
Sorry I yelled “SURPRISE!” when you caught me in bed with your husband.
I was unaware that you don’t like surprises.
How do you milk an almond?
If you say married people aren’t having sex, you have obviously never sat in a hotel bar & watched them pick up strangers.
I have days when wearing a hat is the only use I have made of my head.
Me: Can I start digging?
Society: No wtf that’s grave robbing.
[waits an hour]
Me: How about now?
Society: Ok, now it’s archaeology.
“As the crow flies” means something entirely different when it’s “in your living room” and you are “hiding in the closet with your cat.”
One man’s trash is another man’s problem because the wind just blew my garbage into the neighbor’s yard.
I got a haircut and grabbed some
shampoo at the checkout line.Her : “Do you want a bag ?”
Me : “OMG…is the haircut that bad ?”
Her :
God said: ‘Let there be Satan, so people don’t blame everything
on me. And let there be lawyers, so people don’t blame everything on Satan”
If you hear one of the high piano keys repeating slowly, you’re either watching a trailer for a horror movie, or you are a parent.
It’s time to clean the refrigerator when something closes the door from the inside…
never forget
Breaking news:
Him: How does my football throw look to you?
Me: Like you’re good at science…
Me: Can my gift this year be a new secretary.
Boss: I cannot legally assign you anyone until your last secretary’s case goes to trial…
Me: You want some cereal?
2 year-old: Yay cereal!
Me: Want some Cinnamon Toast Crunch?
2: Yay cinnamon crack!
Me: Ok-wait, what??
Doctor: You suffer from delusions
Me: I don’t think so
Doctor: They seem real but they’re not
Stuart Little: He’s lying to you
Me: Yeah I know
[At home school reunion]
“And Sasha bought a new cat, her name is Mittens.”
“Mom I know, you told me yesterday.”
[first time picking up the tab]
her: don’t forget to leave a tip
me: ah yes *scribbles ‘don’t do drugs’ on receipt*
A little discriminatory towards Jesus.
“1990 called, they want their shirt back.”
“…why didn’t you warn them about 9/11?”
Here’s one of the dumbest thoughts I’ve ever had: I got a coupon for a new car wash place, which was great because my car was really dirty. I noticed that the address was close to my house and thought: “Oh, this is close. Maybe I can just walk?”
The Friday File.
My 5yo son at a cookout, “Where are the scrambled eggs?”
My son asked why my legs are “so fat.” You’re damn right I’m here for validation.
everyone gangster til the tickle monster show up
Vegan zombies be like: GRAINS!