If Christmas decorations were meant to go up in November then surely they’d be called novorations.
Jesus only had 12 followers, also one sold him out to die and another unfollowed Him right before He died. So I guess I’m not doing too bad.
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*years from now at my will reading*
Attorney: “it is to my dear children, that upon my passing I give the fortune which I have devoted my life to building its immense value…”
My kids: omg, Mom had a secret inheritance for us??
Attorney: “… my meme collection.”
If I had the power to time travel, I would mostly just use it to stop past me from eating stuff from the fridge that I’d like to eat now.
I like to eat a handful of paperclips right before I walk through a metal detector cuz I got all day, pal.
When buying a new phone, it’s important to ask yourself, “Will this look spectacular flying across the room in a fit of rage?”
Interviewer: give me an example of problem solving
Me: i was fired from my last job and now i’m applying for this one
I’d watch Pimp My Ride: One Year Later, a show about people coming to terms with maintaining a fish tank and waffle-maker in a Ford Fiesta.
HER: why do you hate every single Hugh Grant movie?
ME: i love love actually actually
Mozzarella sticks in the streets, mozzarella sticks in the sheets.
There’s never a bad time for mozzarella sticks.