@adamthislife

Jesus only had 12 followers, also one sold him out to die and another unfollowed Him right before He died. So I guess I’m not doing too bad.

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@Pandamoanimum

Annual reminder.
If Christmas decorations were meant to go up in November then surely they’d be called novorations.

@thestinkerbell_

*years from now at my will reading*

Attorney: “it is to my dear children, that upon my passing I give the fortune which I have devoted my life to building its immense value…”

My kids: omg, Mom had a secret inheritance for us??

Attorney: “… my meme collection.”

@DonovanConvery

If I had the power to time travel, I would mostly just use it to stop past me from eating stuff from the fridge that I’d like to eat now.

@SveldtSmelt

I like to eat a handful of paperclips right before I walk through a metal detector cuz I got all day, pal.

@ODeadInside

When buying a new phone, it’s important to ask yourself, “Will this look spectacular flying across the room in a fit of rage?”

@daplusk

Interviewer: give me an example of problem solving
Me: i was fired from my last job and now i’m applying for this one

@JoeBerkowitz

I’d watch Pimp My Ride: One Year Later, a show about people coming to terms with maintaining a fish tank and waffle-maker in a Ford Fiesta.

@panmidwest

HER: why do you hate every single Hugh Grant movie?

ME: i love love actually actually

@chrisdowning

Mozzarella sticks in the streets, mozzarella sticks in the sheets.

There’s never a bad time for mozzarella sticks.