Jesus only had 12 followers, also one sold him out to die and another unfollowed Him right before He died. So I guess I’m not doing too bad.
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*sucks stomach in for entire 3 year relationship*
gf: I wanna break up
*flops stomach out*
me: finally
Whenever I see a celebrity photobomb, I’m like, that’s so relatable. I too constantly ruin moments and think I’m more fun than I actually am
too many boring kid names like “chris” and “logan” if i had a kid i’d name him something badass like “the shovel”
To think, just 30 years ago, I would have to yank the phone off the wall, and bring it to the bathroom to drop it in the toilet.
Teach a man to fish and he will evolve to become so skilled at it that he destroys the ocean and kills every last fish. Nice one education.
person: nice cheese
inventor of swiss: thanks it has pockets
Monster under the bed: Look, I was going to scare you but this is sad. You’ve been in bed for 15 hours.
Me: I’ll go to the restroom after the next episode is over.
Monster: You said that last episode, I just want to go see my kids.
whoever said misery loves company spelled calories wrong
I don’t have a swear jar anymore, I have a swear barrel
Pretty sure Dora goes on crazy adventures with a monkey because her mom is on Twitter.
Everyday is Easter when you’re shaped like an egg
receptionist: you’re too late for the how to be a historian conference
me: perfect tell me all about it
receptionist: [muttering] holy shit he’s good
Call me when you have $50,000 and you’ll get your little girl back. Call in the next five minutes and I’ll throw in a second kid as a gift.
Ever think vampires just lied about hating garlic now we’re just out here seasoning ourselves for them?
Me: Time for bed
7: But can we watch Back to the Future?
Me: No
7: Empire Strikes Back?
Me: No
7: Karate Kid?
Me: I see what you’re doing and I respect it but the answer’s still no
If robots are so smart, why can’t my roomba beat me at chess?
Checkmate, science.
Just got rid of cable and now I can afford a mansion.
Everyone is all “love is patient” during the wedding but when there’s a long line for the open bar, not so much.
[Restaurant]
“Good evening sir, would you like to hear the specials?”
Yes please
“THIS TOWN (AHH AHHH) IS COMIN LIKE A GHOST TOWN”
my biggest wish is that someday a bunch of people will say wow money really changed her
Have you ever been so hungry you’ve eaten fruit
A conversation between 2 vegans:
“I’m a vegan.”
“I’m a vegan too.”
“Oh.”
“So…you’re a vegan?”
“Yes, I am a vegan.”
“Me too.”
One of life’s great pleasures is to watch two idiots agree on something and then hear one of them say “Great minds think alike”.
[Getting home from fishing trip]
MOM: Catch anything?
ME: No, but a bear did.
MOM: Where’s your father?
Shout out to sidewalks.
Thanks for keeping me off the streets.
Dance like nobody’s watching except God, the NSA, and Santa Claus.
Leonardo the Vinci was 33 when he painted the sixteen chapel and here I am, 38 and I’ve not painted any chapels at all.
May someone of my non-German mutuals explain German Burger King to me:
The woman at the table next to me has been whining and complaining about her boyfriend for the last 20 minutes.
I’m not even in the relationship and I’ve broken up with her 4 times in my mind.