*jesus picks up bread*
this is my body
*jesus picks up wine*
this is my blood
*jesus picks up guitar*
this is the STORY OF A GIRL
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Serial killers start their day by eating breakfast at McDonalds. Let me rephrase. They arent serial killers until they order & have to wait.
Son: Dad?
Me: Yeah?
S: Do you have a plan for the ‘Zombie Apocalypse’?
M: Sure do.
S: What is it?
M: To run faster than you & your sister.
Expect the unexporcupine.
I thought the English would use more sophisticated gifs but, sadly, no. Nothing Dickensian or Shakespearean. Just lots of Hugh Grant shrugging.
Keep your friends close and your flamethrower closer.
Ghost: never eats, never sleeps, moans a lot
Vampire: sucks the life out of u
Werewolf: human w/ fits of howling
Child: all of the above
I can’t find my scrabble set and I’m honestly lost for words.
When you wake from a dream it can feel so real that you say things to your spouse like, I’m sorry I married Jason Momoa when he turned you into a florescent beetle.
Darth Vader: Luke, I am your father
Luke: really?
Darth Vader: yeah. Why?
Luke: you have the voice of a heavyset black guy is all
Why do customers threaten you with “I’m not coming back here” alright Gertrude see if I care? If anything ur doing me a favour luv x
i gotta stop wearing clothes that have recently washed up on shore
day 9 in quarantine: On my way to working from home
“I Knew You Were Trouble When You Walked In” is my favorite Taylor Swift song about a racist shop owner.
Ate a moldy blueberry.
Thought of you.
What’s white & falls from the sky?
“The coming of the Lord.”
HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA!
…please enjoy this tweet. I’m going to hell.
[slipping DJ $20] my good sir would you turn it down a skooch
A real ice cream truck would have melted by now.
Tonight was supposed to be date night but instead I’m heading to the grocery store because my wife just texted me an eggplant emoji.
I know I’m getting old when I see a beautiful 19 year old girl and I wonder what her mother looks like.
[at restaurant]
Me: What’s under all that garnish?
Her: Nothing, it’s a salad.
Pronounces daughter like laughter because cool dad
My 6-year-old, describing the ant he saw today
My husband is going out of town for a week and I have some hot plans to get intimate with my *lover
*air fryer
If I were rich, I’d buy stuff I wouldn’t even use. Like helicopters or soap.
Me: it is he about whom the prophecy foretold, and for whom we have waited lo these many centuries
Cable guy:
Secret to a successful marriage is to compliment your spouse before discussing tasks and chores
If someone has a second baby, tell them it is better than the last one.
Normalize saying “Yummy in my tummy” when the server asks about your meal.
Some things in life are inevitable. Birth. Death. My husband storing everything he owns in a massive pile next to his side of the bed.
My youngest found an “I’m a big sister” t-shirt, wore it to camp, and now it’ll take 9 months till the neighborhood believes I’m not pregnant