[grocery store with 2yo]
Cashier: your son is so cute. What do you want to have next?
Me: a vasectomy
[Jesus plays hide-n-seek]
Jesus: [exiting cave] Ah, ya found me! Let’s play again. Harder this time. Find me now.
[He ascends to Heaven]
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the compUtah Maineframe has crashed and Idaho how to fix it. Alaska round to find out Hawaii it happened. Are Delaware of the situation?
HR: You can’t urinate outside.
Me: Then how will we keep the jellyfish away?
HR: Can you take a drug test?
Me: Nope, I’m all out of urine
Just saw a Facebook status that said “ironing boards are just surfboards that gave up their dreams and got real jobs” and I laughed out loud… Can’t tell if it’s funny or if I’m just overtired
Do Russia and Uganda realize if they put all their gay people in jail then jail will become the nicest part of their country?
the small neighbor human. is hanging outside with some ice cream. and it is melting. way faster than it is being eaten. the only real solution here. is for me to trot over and help
I was out with my bf and a waiter called me a ‘cradle robber’ cuz he’s 18 and I’m 43.
Totally ruined our 10th anniversary.
Every time my Father in law gets trashed, he asks if I’ve lost weight… So naturally I bring a bottle of scotch every time we visit.
I imagine if I had a job doing manual labor, I’d be in great shape.
Then I do 15 minutes of manual labor and reality comes back into focus.
Cats constantly look at you like you just asked them for a ride to the airport.