Making core memories with my son by faking heart attacks in McDonald’s as a distraction while he steals mobile orders.
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You only hear about careless whispers. Shout out to all the very careful whispers, where the person really thought about the ramifications before they whispered and whatnot.
Martin Shkreli is in jail.
Sorry. No point to make. I just like that sentence.
Neo is 57-years-old he’s definitely taking the blue pills.
Bill Gates is giving 100k to help develop a better & safer condom. I don’t care how good it is, im not wearing a condom that says Microsoft.
A secret about trees is that nobody knows which are which. The most confident member of any party will simply say ‘That is a Dutch Elm’ and everybody will agree. But nobody actually knows. Nobody went to tree school. It’s a woodland grift. You stand in a copse of lies.
[getting completely dominated in a street fight]
ME: damn this toddler plays by her own rules
The coolest feature of being over age 40 is now when I get a pimple it only takes 14 months to go away.
The guy who named peacocks was never allowed to name anything again
CW: The boss said she wanted to see you.
Me: That’s flattering, but I don’t date people from work.
None of the parenting books said ANYTHING about having to relearn chemistry at 10 PM.
“Opening a llama acting school called ‘Save the Drama for your Llama.”
“No, I mean where do you see yourself in 5 years with this job?”
*walks up with my full head of mongooses*
Medusa: Let’s rock.
Shoulda named my daughter calculus cause damn she’s complicated.
me: what’s the fish that kills you if it’s prepared wrong
waiter: fugu, but tonight’s chef is very good
me: ok then *closes menu* I’ll come back tomorrow
The way I see it, marriage is just an evil ploy to turn “my fries” into “our fries.”
People: it’s important to limit your children’s screen time
School System: y’all heard about virtual learning?
Inventor of balloons: You know what this party needs? Rubber balls filled with my breath
I’m jealous of Eminem because my mom never made me spaghetti
saying “i am bad at this”
-defeatist
-will make you sad
-removes the possibility for improvementsaying “a whale would be impressed by my ability”
-encouraging
-always true because whales don’t even have thumbs and also appreciate effort
-makes you think about whales
Inventor: …And so these closed captions will help a lot of people.
Investor: I can see what you’re saying.
[business negotiation]
Your reasons for rejecting my offer are valid, gentlemen, but perhaps this will…sweeten the deal.
*sets briefcase on table, opens it to reveal it’s full of strawberry Twizzlers*
My daughter told me that I should be a little faster with her laundry and asked if I could fold things a little neater. She had a whole near-death experience and didn’t even realize.
My son called out my daughter for not knowing which teams were playing in the Super Bowl and said that she’s only showing up for the food. My daughter stared him down and said, “I honestly don’t see the problem here” and slow blinked at him.
Anyway, she’s my new life coach.
Cop 1: There’s been another murder
Cop 2: I think I see a pattern emerging
Cop 1: Please. Put your knitting down and focus
The people who shout the loudest about their all powerful God protecting them & delivering them from any evil, also own a gun, just in case.
“How much plagiarizing gets you arrested?” And other delightful ways my 12yo says goodnight.
Me: How did Mrs. Incredible know to name her son Dash if she didnt know what his superpower was yet?
Cashier: so was that paper or plastic?
doctor: you need to take one a day for the rest of your life
me: *checking the bottle* there’s only 2 in here
doctor: that is correct
Immediately de-escalating an international conflict by posting an angry looking selfie with the caption “Come on, guys.”
“Age is an issue of mind over matter. If you don’t mind, it doesn’t matter.”
– Mark Twain