Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

@kumailn

“Wow there are a lot of non-brown people in Gaza.” – anyone tuning into Ferguson coverage late

@LukeMones

Just saw an old lady give up her seat to another old lady on the subway…polite or the ultimate shade?

@_wendyb07

I hope I’m not the only one who hovers over someone when they use my favorite pen just so they know I’m serious about wanting it back.

@Ygrene

Cop: was it you who stole all the anti-perspirant
Me: *not sweating*
Cop: well shit I don’t know how to read this

@NoChillPosts

GENIUS

@ojedge

[1st date]

[to self] Don’t let her know ur a boa constrictor

Her: “How’s your meal?”

[i’ve dislocated my jaw & swallowed the whole table]

@mommajessiec

*filling out preschool form*

1st child: She knows all of the letters and numbers.

2nd child: He knows all of the colors.

3rd child: She knows all of the swear words.

@thatcarlygirl

Learn to negotiate like my 5-year old. Instead of asking, “Can we please get a kitty?” he asked, “Are we getting a kitty today or tomorrow?”

@MafiaJoker78

Him- You’re a useless piece of shit..

Me- Show me a useful piece of shit.

@slimmy_shady

Breaking news!? Shark sighting off Daytona shores. It’s the ocean! That’s where they live. I saw a bird in the sky. Report that too!