MOM STOP LICKING YOUR FINGER TO CLEAN MY FACE I’M IN A GANG NOW
Jesus: remember disciples, everything the light touches is god’s kingdom
Judas: um, isn’t that from the Lion King?
Jesus: *glares at Judas*
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I haven’t won anything since I did my kid’s fifth grade science fair project.
December 23rd should be called Christmas Adam since it always comes before Christmas Eve.
My daughter just called me “Whatever your name is” so you know I’m killing it at parenting multiple kids over here.
me: one screwdriver please
bartender: sorry i can’t
me: what do you mean
bartender: apparently we can’t keep OJ behind bars
Me: How are you doing? Is our date starting to feel a bit awkward?
Her: Yeah, a little…
Me: I was talking to my mom!
Mom: No, I’m fine.
Just ordered a pizza and jogged past my gym holding it over my head like the Olympic torch.
REMINDER: It’s almost March.
Don’t forget to to take down your gum disease decorations.
*walks into a dollar store*
excuse me, where would I find the dollars?