@iwearaonesie
MOM STOP LICKING YOUR FINGER TO CLEAN MY FACE I’M IN A GANG NOW
@huntigula
Jesus: remember disciples, everything the light touches is god’s kingdom
Judas: um, isn’t that from the Lion King?
Jesus: *glares at Judas*
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@iwearaonesie
@HousewifeOfHell
I haven’t won anything since I did my kid’s fifth grade science fair project.
@TheMichaelRock
December 23rd should be called Christmas Adam since it always comes before Christmas Eve.
@notmythirdrodeo
My daughter just called me “Whatever your name is” so you know I’m killing it at parenting multiple kids over here.
@daemonic3
me: one screwdriver please
bartender: sorry i can’t
me: what do you mean
bartender: apparently we can’t keep OJ behind bars
@iAmDelFreaky
Me: How are you doing? Is our date starting to feel a bit awkward?
Her: Yeah, a little…
Me: I was talking to my mom!
Mom: No, I’m fine.
@meltdouwn
@jeffporper
Just ordered a pizza and jogged past my gym holding it over my head like the Olympic torch.
@WoodyLuvsCoffee
REMINDER: It’s almost March.
Don’t forget to to take down your gum disease decorations.
@junejuly12
*walks into a dollar store*
excuse me, where would I find the dollars?