@huntigula

Jesus: remember disciples, everything the light touches is god’s kingdom
Judas: um, isn’t that from the Lion King?
Jesus: *glares at Judas*

You Might Also Like

@iwearaonesie

MOM STOP LICKING YOUR FINGER TO CLEAN MY FACE I’M IN A GANG NOW

@HousewifeOfHell

I haven’t won anything since I did my kid’s fifth grade science fair project.

@TheMichaelRock

December 23rd should be called Christmas Adam since it always comes before Christmas Eve.

@notmythirdrodeo

My daughter just called me “Whatever your name is” so you know I’m killing it at parenting multiple kids over here.

@daemonic3

me: one screwdriver please

bartender: sorry i can’t

me: what do you mean

bartender: apparently we can’t keep OJ behind bars

@iAmDelFreaky

Me: How are you doing? Is our date starting to feel a bit awkward?

Her: Yeah, a little…

Me: I was talking to my mom!

Mom: No, I’m fine.

@jeffporper

Just ordered a pizza and jogged past my gym holding it over my head like the Olympic torch.

@WoodyLuvsCoffee

REMINDER: It’s almost March.
Don’t forget to to take down your gum disease decorations.

@junejuly12

*walks into a dollar store*

excuse me, where would I find the dollars?